Sooner or Later
by Books In the Blood
Summary: Three months after the loss of their child, Rose and the Doctor are running, not only from place to place but from each other. When the TARDIS lands on a tropical planet and refuses to let them in, they are stranded, forced to slow down and to come clean about their demons. The sequeal to my story "The Beat of Three Hearts"
1. Crash Landing

"Hold on to that green lever, the one on your left! Pull it back as hard as you can!" The Doctor called out to Rose, sweat beginning to drip down his forehead from excursion. He had his hands and one foot on the console, trying to wrestle the TARDIS into submission. She was having none of it. "Have you done it yet?!"

"I'm pulling as hard as I can!" Rose called out, her face strained from the excursion of pulling back on the lever. The TARDIS gave a violent shake as sparks rained down from the ceiling.

"Uh….okay" The Doctor said, struggling to figure out what to do. "See that blue button about seven inches to your left? Press that while you're pulling on the lever."

Rose did as the Doctor asked, but the TARDIS fought even harder against their trying to tame her. The TARDIS shook so violently that Rose and the Doctor were thrown to the ground. The Doctor's face smashed into the floor, Rose landing next to him roughly. The TARDIS shook as the lights flickered. The Doctor picked himself off the floor as fast as he could manage, already feeling bruises begin to form from the violent fall. He ran to the console and began to try everything he could think of, hitting levers and switches at an alarming rate.

Rose picked herself up and joined him a minute later, her hair disheveled and her expression beginning to grow worried. "What's wrong with her?" Rose asked, grabbing on to the console with both hands and holding on as hard as she could, the ground under their feet shaking like an earthquake.

"I don't know" The Doctor admitted. The lightly flickered until there were no lights on but the red warning lights. "She's refusing to do anything I tell her…..nothing seems to be wrong with her systems."

The Doctor checked and rechecked the scans that he had already run several times. He had never seen the TARDIS behave this way; there really appeared to be nothing wrong with her and yet she was spiraling down the time vortex, completely out of control and refusing to listen to anything he told her to do. She was giving off a very negative energy and the Doctor worried something was terribly wrong.

He couldn't understand it; he and Rose had been traveling a lot lately and she had been acting fine. They'd had a few hiccups here and there in their last few travels but he had assumed it was nothing. Now it appeared that it was a sign of things to come; maybe she had been trying to warn them.

"What is it?" The Doctor asked soothingly, running his hands along the console as he tried to think of a solution that he hadn't tried yet. He hoped to comfort the ship but his calm voice seemed to have the exact opposite affect; the TARDIS shuddered and turned so violently that the Doctor and Rose were thrown to the ground again as the TARDIS turned sideways, rolling them to one side of the ship. Rose hit the wall, followed closely by the Doctor a few feet away from her. A moment later the lights in the console room went completely off followed by a loud crash before the TARDIS became eerily silent.

…..

Rose had felt the disturbance in the TARDIS a few minutes before she had started to act up. They had been enroute to Kokker, a primitive planet that was experiencing disturbances often from a nearby planet that was feeding off of their solar energy when the TARDIS had been thrown completely off course, free falling. Nothing and no one seemed to have caused the disturbance but the TARDIS went from having a mild hiccup to having full blow distress. The Doctor was doing everything that he could to get the TARDIS to cooperate but it didn't seem to be helping. In fact, it was getting worse by the moment. As Rose fell to the ground and the lights went off, she became fully worried about the situation. The TARDIS had had its share of troubles during their travels but nothing this serious. And the TARDIS just felt…_not right. _

Rose hadn't mentioned it to the Doctor, but ever since Rose had connected with the heart of the TARDIS to bring her back to him at Satellite 5, she had been able to almost _feel _the TARDIS. She knew that the Doctor had said that the TARDIS could get inside your head but it was different now. It went beyond her translating for her; she could sense when the TARDIS wasn't well and right now the TARDIS was definitely not right. She was expressing herself strongly; she felt _angry. _ She had felt happiness and sadness from the TARDIS before, even a sort of ill feeling, but she hadn't ever felt her seem angry. It was unsettling.

After several seconds of lying in the dark, Rose heard the Doctor's voice. "Rose? Are you alright?" he called out.

Rose coughed through the smoke that was filling the room at an alarming rate. "I'm…..fine" Rose chocked out.

"She's…losing….her…..air…..supply" the Doctor said, even his voice sounding strained now from the smoke. "We need…..to get…..out…..of….here"

Rose felt fear rise up inside her at the thought of abandoning the TARDIS; she had been in many dangerous situations before and had managed to keep her composure. But the thought that they had to flee the TARDIS, their home, their security, the thing that always kept them safe, was disconcerting. She began to reach out for the Doctor as she gasped for air in the darkness. She had just managed to touch the leather of his jacket when she felt his hand connect with her own. He pulled her up, the sound of his sonic soon followed by the little blue light that emanated from it. Rose could see a small glimmer of the Doctor's face from the small amount of light. "Come on, Rose" he said, his voice strained. He pulled her along the darkened console room, the sonic the only light.

Rose stumbled along, gasping for air as the oxygen supply became more and polluted by smoke. It seemed like it took forever to make the small trip to the TARDIS' doors.

Rose and the Doctor burst from the door, falling onto the ground of the unrequested destination. Rose fell to her knees, gasping for air, hearing the doors of the TARDIS slam loudly behind her. She gulped in air for several seconds, coughing to dispel the unwanted substances in her lungs before she became aware of the heat under hear knees. She looked down at the ground that she had landed on and found that it wasn't ground at all; it was sand.

Despite the unease that was still settled over her, she couldn't help but feel a little excitement at seeing where they had landed. It was the same, rushing feeling of exhilaration that always came when they landed on a new planet or in a new time. Rose didn't think she would ever exit the doors of the TARDIS and not feel that sense of excitement. It was one of the many reasons that she traveled with the Doctor despite the danger that always accompanied their travels.

Rose pushed up from the ground and looked around the planet that the TARDIS had seemingly dumped them on and her breath was taken away. If they had to crash land somewhere, then this place was about as lucky as they could get. It was a beautiful planet; the ground was white sand as far as Rose could see, with a deep blue ocean stretching into the horizon several feet from where they were standing. The sky was a light blue, tinged with a hint of purple, with something akin to stars seeming to sparkle despite the fact that it was day time. In the distance Rose could see a line of what looked like palm trees with orange leaves secluding what looked to a cluster of cabins. It looked like the perfect place for a vacation, which ironically was far from resembling any place that she and the Doctor had ever visited.

Rose looked over to the Doctor who had stood and was brushing himself off. He was looking around the planet much the same way that Rose had, only his expression was not one of awe but slight disgust ._Party pooper, _Rose thought with an inward huff.

"So, where are we?" Rose asked after he had taken the area in.

The Doctor once more looked around, giving the air a sniff. "I…..don't know" he admitted. It seemed to bother him to admit it "I've never been here"

"It could be worse" Rose said with slight hopefulness as she looked around the planet. She could think of several other places that would have been much worse. "Being stranded at the beach isn't so bad"

The Doctor did not share her sentiment. He turned toward the TARDIS, trying to open her doors but they would not open. "What is _wrong _with you?" The Doctor asked. His voice was annoyed and slightly angry, not sympathetic like the last time he had asked her. "She's never locked me out like this"

Rose walked up to the TARDIS, placing her hand on the door. It was hot to the touch, black smoke swirling behind the windows. "She's angry" Rose said, not intending to say it out loud.

"Angry?" The Doctor said, annoyance dripping from his tone. "Well, you better get not angry real fast and open these doors" The Doctor jigged on the doors but they didn't budge. "If you know what is good for you, you're going to open these doors right now"

Rose suppressed a laugh despite the seriousness of the situation; it was like watching a father scold his insolent teenage daughter. "Doctor, calm down" Rose said, not wanting him to get really angry. Getting angry really wouldn't help the situation and Rose didn't want things to get worse than they already were. "There's obviously something upsetting her"

The Doctor scowled at the TARDIS before his expression softened. He whipped around to glance at Rose. "You can feel her?" he asked, it suddenly dawning on him. His expression spoke of awe that she could connect more with the ship but hurt that she hadn't told him until now. And even now she really hadn't told him.

"Well, yeah" Rose said, shrugging, feeling a little uncomfortable under his gaze. "I mean, it's not like it is for you…..I just kind of sense how she feels"

The Doctor looked from the TARDIS and back to Rose as if trying to figure out how he had missed it. "How long have you been able to do that?" he asked incredulously. He seemed amazed by the connection and Rose felt herself blush a little bit as he looked at her like she was amazing.

"Since I connected with her…..since I looked into her heart" Rose said quietly, a little embarrassed. Perhaps she should have told him about it earlier if he was going to get this excited.

"Really?" The Doctor asked in amazement. "How did I not notice?" He looked at the TARDIS in perplextion.

"It's not that big of a deal" Rose said with a shrug.

"I could understand if you were able to before but I'm surprised you still do…..even after….." The Doctor said. His voice trailed off sadly and he looked away from Rose. Rose found herself staring down at her feet, sadness washing over her as well.

He didn't say it and he didn't have to; they both knew exactly what he didn't say. It would have been understandable if Rose had had a connection with the TARDIS after she had looked into the heart of the TARDIS because she had residual time energy in her. But it didn't make sense that she still could. Not now that the time energy was gone. Rose felt that all familiar pang of regret and sadness at the memory of the horror of losing that time energy and all it had entailed.

The Doctor did what he did best and changed the subject. "I'm surprised you sense anger in her…..I don't"

Rose didn't want to answer, her stomach still churning from the unintended reference to her losing the time lord power she had had in her. It was still a raw open wound, one that she didn't think would ever heal. It had been three months now since she had lost their baby and while the pain had lessened, it still felt fresh anytime it was brought up on accident. She knew these things took time to heal and that she had to give it more time; that would have been easier to do if she felt like the Doctor was handling it better than she was. But she didn't; he hid it well but she knew that he was not okay.

The second that they had gotten back in the TARDIS after the loss of their child, they had immediately launched into adventures and their typical business of traveling. It would have been fine but Rose sensed that the Doctor was running. She was used to keeping at a fast pace with him but this was obvious running, even for him. The second one trip was over, they launched into the next. He rarely stopped and the small amount of time that they would stop for Rose to attend to human needs like sleeping, the Doctor kept going, working on something or taking off to some distant room in the TARDIS. Rose had grown accustomed to sleeping next to the Doctor while they had been living somewhat domestic on Earth during her pregnancy. There were plenty of nights that she did end up sleeping alone because he didn't need sleep as often as she did, but it was different now. He hardly ever slept and while he had often lain in bed with her on nights he didn't sleep, he would now run away somewhere to be alone. She felt like he was avoiding sleep. Even worse, she felt like he was avoiding her.

Rose knew that he loved her; finally he had admitted as much. She had finally managed to get him to open up to her; he had told her he loved her, that she was important to him. He'd even went so far as to say that he wouldn't be able to survive without her. He had been by her side in every way while she had been staying in her mum's flat recovering from the rough miscarriage. But after they had started traveling, he'd been at arm's length. He wasn't cold, but he was detached. It been a full week after beginning their travels again that the Doctor had finally succumbed to sleep. They had been separated most of the day, having been captured by a group of cannibalistic humanoid aliens on a space station. They apparently enjoyed the thrill of tasting new alien species and had them in different cells while they had decided who to _enjoy _first and who to save for later when the Doctor had worked his magic and managed to talk his way out of there. She didn't know how he had done it, and she didn't really ask. She had just fallen into bed relieved at the end of the day. The Doctor had fallen into bed beside her and they had somehow managed to find themselves entwined in each other's arms. Rose hadn't thought about the need to stop; they were, after all, open with each other now. Or so she had thought. As she had begun to remove the Doctor's clothes, she had felt him immediately tense up. A moment later he was mumbling about something he had forgotten to do in the console room and was walking, almost running from the room. It had left Rose confused and hurt; she didn't understand why he was still pushing her away. She needed him now more than ever. She had only tried to initiate intimacy a few other times since then, both times with the same result. Now she longer tried. Now she was used to spending each night alone and wishing the Doctor would comfort her, the TARDIS the only one to send her calming energy.

Rose shook her head of the musings and forced herself to think about the present moment. The Doctor's primary way of coping with problems was to avoid them entirely. Rose was beginning to think that she was going to have to adopt this system whether she wanted to or not.

"She doesn't seem angry to you?" Rose asked, walking over to the TARDIS and putting a hand on her. She felt a small surge of calm energy run through her fingers at the touch.

"No….I sense her distress but that's all" The Doctor said. "Why's that? Why's she talking to you and not me?"

Rose didn't want to tell him the obvious answer; maybe she was angry at _him. _She didn't know why she would be, but she could feel the change in energy when the Doctor touched her. She was not happy with him at all. She didn't know if that could possibly be the reason for all of her distress but it was at least part of it. "I don't know…..you're the one that knows her" Rose said cryptically. "And she's not talking to me…..I just sense what she is feeling is all"

The Doctor looked at the TARDIS with confusion again before he got out his sonic. He scanned all around the outside, his face growing more and more perplexed. He came back around to the front of the TARDIS and focused it on the lock. Once more, though, the lock remained strongly closed. "This makes no sense!" he said in frustration before turning around and looking away from the TARDIS. He ran his hands along his short hair and looked away from Rose as if trying to hide the fact he was so frustrated. It was obvious that he was used to knowing the answers to everything, especially the workings of his own ship. He didn't like to admit that he didn't know something.

"Maybe she's just in need of rest" Rose suggested. "We have been traveling an awful lot" She wanted to calm the Doctor down from his anger but at the same time she really wanted an excuse to stop and slow down. She wasn't happy that the TARDIS was essentially grounding them but she did want to slow down a bit. Something wasn't right with the Doctor; he was running from something and she wanted to know that he wasn't running from her.

The Doctor turned toward her. "We haven't been traveling anymore than usual" he said with a shrug. Rose knew he didn't really believe that and neither did she. They had been traveling more than they usually did. Maybe the TARDIS was simply as exhausted as Rose was. She knew the Doctor was exhausted even though he wouldn't admit it; she could see the fatigue and sadness in his eyes.

"Well….what are we gonna do?" Rose asked after an uncomfortable silence had passed between them. "We can't get in the TARDIS…..can't leave…..should we just explore? Have a look around? See what wonderful planet we have landed on this time?"

"We didn't land here….._she _dumped us here" The Doctor said sourly, looking at the TARDIS. Rose reached out for the Doctor's hand and gave it a squeeze.

"Come on…..I know this isn't exactly the day we planned but it really could be worse" Rose said encouragingly. "This is a beautiful planet. And even better, you've never been here…..it's new to us both. What do you say? Let's have a look around?"

Rose hoped that the Doctor agreed; there really wasn't much else they could do, seeing as they weren't going anywhere. But that didn't stop Rose from wondering if he might just toss himself down on the sand and pout the rest of the day. She was glad when he gave her a small smile and squeezed her hand back. "Alright…..let's have a look" he said.


	2. Memory

Rose and the Doctor walked for several minutes along the sand before they reached the small town that overlooked the ocean. A long line of small cabins with open porches and ample amount of windows, each resembling each other was clustered around the beach. It was obvious that this was a vacation spot; by the looks of how many people were spilling out of the cabins onto the porches and surrounding areas it was obviously a very popular spot.

They kept walking past the cabins until they got to the small town beside it. As they walked along, Rose felt excitement bursting inside of her at the sight of a new place and new people. It was almost possible to forget about the situation with the TARDIS and Rose hoped a little of the excitement might rub off on the Doctor. Lines of shops and venders, along with restaurants made up the small vacation town. Each building was very open and people milled around each slowly. The majority of the people Rose could see were various humanoid creatures of varying sizes and colors, but there were also many other types around as well. Rose felt her eyes widening as she took in the sight of tall, lizard like creatures that resembled a human sized dinosaurs, small round creatures covered in blue spikes and bird like creatures that resembled toucans with rainbow colored beaks. Rose hadn't even realized that she has stopped and was standing there still until she felt a tug at her hand.

She looked over to the Doctor who was giving her a small smile. "A bit much?" he asked. His smile was small and it was obvious that he wasn't as at ease as she was but Rose hoped a little time away from the TARDIS might change that.

Rose shook her head in awe, taking in the beautiful scenery and the array of aliens. She would never get used to this. "No….it's never a bit a much. It's…it's…" Rose stuttered, trying to find the right word.

"Fantastic?" The Doctor supplied with a bit bigger grin this time.

Rose smiled. "Yes…..it's fantastic" she said, beginning to walk again. Rose took in the sights; people watching on an alien planet was the best kind of people watching. She couldn't get over how relaxed and _at ease _everyone seemed on this planet. Rose had lost count of how many people she had seen locked in rather intimate embraces; each time they passed one the Doctor seemed to walk a little faster.

The smell of the ocean, salty but slightly sweet on this planet, drifted through the warm air. Rose felt herself begin to the sweat under the heat of the twin suns; she was anxious to shed her jacket, not having been dressed for a tropical climate. As they passed a string of restaurants in town, Rose could smell the scent of several different foods mixed together, many of which were unfamiliar but her stomach began to growl all the same. As they passed a small little, open aired café with a wonderfully cool looking pool in the middle, Rose stopped.

"Can we stop here? Check out the food they've got here on this mystery planet?" Rose asked with a smile. She could see the Doctor begin to formulate an argument against staying here so Rose gave his hand a squeeze as she smiled a little sweeter at him. "Please?"

She watched as his resolve crumbled slightly. "Alright….but we don't even have whatever kind of credits we need for this planet" he said. Rose smiled at his weak argument.

"When has that ever stopped us?" she asked. She dug her hand into his pocket and pulled out his sonic paper. "I'm sure that this can be of some help to us?"

The Doctor grin widely; he had pride written all over his face. It was obvious he was pleased with how comfortable she had become with how they did things. He must have realized he had broken the sullenness that he was trying to maintain over his anger at the TARDIS. He wiped the smile off his face. "It might help us….I guess it'll help us if you're sure you need food for your inferior human body" he quibbled back.

Rose just gave him a smile. "Yes, I'm sure I do" she said, pulling him along toward the restaurant.

They walked into the café, up to the waiter at the front who was a humanoid with bright blue skin. He gave them a warm smile as Rose and the Doctor walked up, still hand in hand. "Hello, welcome to the Jurgan Café. Two?" He asked pleasantly.

"Yes, thank you" Rose said with a grin at the waiter.

He gave her a knowing smile. "Would you like a spot near the pool or something a bit more…..secluded?" he asked.

Rose looked over at the Doctor who was rolling his eyes. She could tell that he was about to say something, probably negative so Rose stepped in. "Either is fine" Rose said carefreely.

The waiter looked between Rose and the Doctor and smiled. "Let me guess…..newlyweds?" he asked.

Rose felt her face flush and she refused to look at the Doctor. She could feel the heat rise up in her cheeks and to ears. "A table by the pool is fine" Rose muttered, figuring it was best not to test the Doctor's patience anymore.

The waiter thankfully took the hint and began to walk toward the table. Rose felt a little deflated as the Doctor walked ahead of her, letting go of her hand. She forced her thoughts away from the direction they were going in and took in the scenery. The café was open with no ceiling and the walls mostly open to take in the bright sun and ocean breeze. There was a large pool in the middle of the restaurant with an elaborate fountain in the middle. People swam through the pool and milled around the side of it. Large amounts of foliage lined the perimeter of the restaurant through which other tables could barely be seen. From the small amounts of views that she could get she could understand the difference between the "secluded" tables and the other tables and was suddenly glad that they hadn't taken a seat there. She didn't want to make an uncomfortable situation even more unpleasant. She was beginning to wonder if everyone on this planet was under some sort of aphrodisiac; if they were, she hoped that it worked on time lords.

"Is this seat alright?" the waiter asked, gesturing to a small table by the pool. Rose nodded.

"Yes, this is fine" she said before sitting down. The Doctor sat down across from Rose as the waiter handed them a menu. "Your server will be with you shortly" he said with a smile before walking off.

"Well, this is nice, don't you think?" Rose asked , opening the menu and looking at the various items, most of which she had never heard of. When the Doctor didn't answer she looked across the table to see him leaning back in the chair, arms crossed over his chest, eyes darting around. She could tell he was still thinking about the TARDIS; he was never at ease unless she was completely at ease.

"She'll be okay, Doctor" Rose said, putting down her menu. The Doctor finally turned toward Rose.

"How can you be so sure?" he asked, slumping a little in the chair. It was obvious that he was not going to be one to have any sort of vacation with until he began to fix the TARDIS. Rose cringed; she really couldn't be sure. In fact, she didn't have any idea what was wrong with the TARDIS or how to fix it. She could be broken for a very long time; she really just wasn't allowing her mind to go in that direction yet.

"Because I know you, Doctor…..you always fix her. This time will be no different" Rose assured him. It was the best answer that she had.

The Doctor looked up from where he was staring down at his lap. "I hope you're right" he said. "She's never behaved this way before"

Several seconds of uncomfortable silence passed between them where Rose tried to think of something clever to say when the Doctor spoke again. "So…..what's it like? Between you and the TARDIS?" he asked, leaning forward on the table.

Rose really wanted to get him thinking about something other than the TARDIS but he was so curious she couldn't resist. His tone was a mix of awe at the fact that she had any kind of connection with the TARDIS and slight….._jealously? _He obviously wasn't accustomed to sharing her in any way.

Rose shrugged. "There isn't anything…._between…_us" she said shyly. "I mean…..I just kind of sense her…..at the back of my mind sometime"

The Doctor grinned; it seemed like the first non-forced grin he'd had on all day. "Really?" he asked in wonder.

Rose nodded. "I mean….I can sense when she's pleased, when she's upset. Sometimes she sends me a little bit of happiness. That sort of thing" she said.

The Doctor's eyes widened. "She sends you feelings?" he asked, amazed. "When does she do that?"

Rose averted her eyes. She could hardly say what she was thinking; _she sends me bursts of encouragement at night when I'm upset because I'm sleeping alone and wondering where you are. _She'd actually become rather attached to the ship. She had always laughed at the Doctor's emotional connection to his ship but now she understood, in a small measure at least, why he was so attached to her. "I don't know….she just kind of sends me happiness….when I'm not feeling very good" she said vaguely.

The Doctor nodded knowingly before giving Rose one of his goofy grins. "Isn't it wonderful?" he asked, bursting as if couldn't wait to share the experience with her.

Rose laughed. "It is…..it really is" she said, glad his spirits were lifting a little bit. She picked up the menu again. "Wanna help me find something edible on here?"

….

"That is awful…..really that's awful" Rose said, scrunching her nose and forcing herself to swallow. "Why did you make me eat that?"

The Doctor gave her a perplexed look. "Because it's wonderful" he said, taking another large bite of the brown ice cream that deceptively looked like chocolate.

"Meat and ice cream shouldn't ever mix" Rose said, giving the dessert a disgusted look before she and the Doctor burst into laughter.

With as troubling as the day had begun, Rose was glad that things were going a little more smoothly. They had gone almost an entire hour now without having mentioned the TARDIS, too engrossed in the people around them and weird array of alien food they had had for lunch. It was even worth eating meat flavored ice cream to see him loosen up.

"I have no idea what you are talking about" The Doctor said, sitting back in his chair carefreely and eating his ice cream. "It's fantastic."

"Time lord taste buds are obviously quite different than humans" Rose said with a grin. "I thought it was chocolate….that's the only reason I ate it"

"This is much better than chocolate" The Doctor said, licking his spoon in a very undignified way.

"I think we'll have to agree to disagree on this one" Rose said with a laugh as the Doctor continued to lick the spoon.

Rose was just about to suggest another dessert, one a little less meaty when something hit her foot. She glanced down to see a ball hit her foot, closely followed by a blonde haired toddler. He picked the ball up and stared at Rose with a curious look.

Rose felt the familiar pang stir in heart at the sight of the curious, bright eyed child. Her throat constricted as her thoughts strayed to unwanted territory. She couldn't help but think of what little Pete would have looked like. Would he have blonde hair like the little boy in front of her or would he have the dark hair of the Doctor? Would his eyes have been brown like hers or oceany blue like the Doctor's? She could imagine what he would have been like; running alongside the Doctor just as he had never stopped running inside her womb. Rose's hands drifted to her stomach, the one that was so depressingly flat and empty. She tried not to think about the fact that if she had still been pregnant it would almost time for him to be born.

"Oh, I'm so sorry" a young woman's voice broken into Rose's musings. She scooped the small child up into her arms.

Rose felt tears gathering in her eyes unwanted. She coughed to clear her throat. "Its fine…..no big deal" she managed to say as the mother carried her son away. Rose watched them go, hating the crush of depression that weighed on her. It got her at the worst times, threatening to pull her back into the darkness.

Rose looked over at the Doctor who was looking in the same direction Rose had been as his delighted dessert sat melting on the table. His face mirrored her crestfallen one and Rose felt herself grow sadder. He never let her see the pain she knew he was still feeling somewhere deep down inside. The second that he noticed Rose looking, he plastered a fake smile on his face. "Let's go check on the TARDIS and get moving" he said, pushing up from the table and beginning to walk from the restaurant, not stopping to see if Rose was following him. Rose began to sadly walk toward the TARDIS and the Doctor, trying viciously to rid her mind of the depressing thoughts. The Doctor managed his feelings by burying them; she better start getting used to it.

The Doctor walked quickly the short distance from the small town to the ocean's edge. Rose fought to keep up with him as the TARDIS soon came into view. Feeling the need for a diversion, Rose called after the Doctor.

"Doctor, wait!"

Rose was surprised when he stopped his full speed sprint toward the TARDIS . It was obvious that he was feeling as much inner turmoil as she was and he wanted to run from it. Rose wished that he would just stop for a moment and talk to her, let her. Knowing that she couldn't do that, she at least wanted to calm him down as much as she could.

"What?" he asked tiredly, slumping slightly. He looked exhausted and Rose couldn't remember how long it had been since he had slept.

"Can we take a look at the ocean first?" she asked, pointing over to the deep blue waves that were rolling in and out at a quick speed. "Just to put our feet in?" Rose knew the second that the TARDIS was operational the Doctor was out of here. If she had gotten out of her ill mood by now, the Doctor would jump inside her and zoom off to their next harrowing destination. While Rose loved the traveling she had with the Doctor, even the exhaustion and danger they created, right now she was simply _tired. _Ever since they had lost their son they had been running a million miles an hour and Rose just wanted to stop. Even if it was just for a few minutes.

The Doctor looked reluctant to agree but eventually he nodded. "Just for a few minutes" he relented. Rose gave him a soft smile and walked toward the water's edge, the Doctor on her heels.


	3. Reluctant Holiday

Rose kicked off her shoes as she neared the water's edge and stood just at the edge, the waves just barely washing over her toes as the waves came tumbling in. The tears that had been gathering in Rose's eyes ever since the incident in the restaurant dried inside her unshed as she gazed at the amazing sight in front of her. The dark blue water stretched on as far as the eye could see, into the purplish blue horizon. The twin suns beat down heavily and Rose tossed off her jacket onto the white sand. The planet was breath taking and Rose wished that the Doctor and she could enjoy it for just a few moments.

Rose looked over at the Doctor who was not appearing to enjoy it at all. He was standing away from the edge so that he couldn't get wet, his hands thrust deep into his jacket pockets. It was obvious that he was closed off but Rose wanted to change that. She knew as much as he was not whiling to admit it, he was upset by the memories the child at the restaurant brought up and she wanted to comfort him, even if it was in a vague way.

"Doctor, you have to stick your feet in the water at least" Rose urged him with more exuberance than she felt. The Doctor remained stoic.

"I'm watching just fine from over here" he said stubbornly, pushing his hands even deeper it seemed into his pockets.

Rose crossed her arms stubbornly over her chest. "You gotta at least take that jacket off" she chided him. "You've got to be burning up out here"

"I'm just fine" he said, making no move to take his jacket off. Rose, who had gotten used to seeing him with less layers through their deeper relationship hadn't even seen him without his favorite jacket much. Pretty much he only took it off when he slept.

"How are you not burning up?" Rose asked.

"Time lord body temperature isn't as warm as humans" the Doctor said, walking closer to her but not taking his shoes off. He stopped right at the water's edge right where the water stopped. "I really am not that hot"

Rose looked at the Doctor; he really didn't seem to be sweating as much as her, nor was his face red as she knew hers was. But she still thought he must be at least a little hot and more than a little stubborn.

"Well, suit yourself" Rose said with a shrug. She bent down in the water so that she could put her hands into the water as well. A wave came crashing in just as she bent down, washing over her fingers. It was wonderfully cool in the burning heat. "You're missing out though…"

The Doctor kept glancing between Rose and the TARDIS. It was obvious to Rose that the Doctor was not going to relax until he'd checked on the ship. As much as Rose wanted to stay here on this planet, of which they hadn't even found out its name, she wanted the TARDIS to be okay for the Doctor's sake. It was almost like she was a part of the Doctor and he couldn't be well when she wasn't.

Rose could have stood there all day basking in the sun and enjoying the cool feel of the water on her skin; she really just wanted to jump into water with the heat the way it was. But she knew that the Doctor was not relaxed. Rose stepped out of the water and put her shoes back on. "Alright….lets go check on the TARDIS" Rose said, giving the Doctor an encouraging smile.

The Doctor turned and walked back quickly to the TARDIS, seemingly about ready to burst out of his skin to get to her. Rose was not encouraged as they walked up to her and saw the dark smoke still swirling around behind her windows. Rose felt an almost "calm before the storm" sense in her as they walked up. She didn't know what to make of it.

The Doctor walked up to the TARDIS and tried to get into the doors only to find them firmly stuck shut again. Anger crossed over the Doctor's face as he wiggled the doors hard but they didn't budge. He rattled off a string of uncharacteristic curse words. "Let me in!"

Rose suddenly felt a strong surge of energy into her mind and it knocked her off her feet. Rose fell to the sand and put her hands to her head. She had only once ever felt something this strong; while she had been pregnant, the Doctor had joined her mind to the mind of their child. It had been an overwhelming experience, but one of the most beautiful things she had ever felt. To have someone fill your mind, to touch you in the deepest parts was something beyond words. She had been completely filled with love from the inside out.

This however, was different. Connection with her son had felt right and safe. This felt like an invasion. A dark wave of energy burst into her mind and took her breath away. When she had experienced the TARDIS at her mind before, it was a gentle touch to the very tip of her mind. This was not the same; now she was forcing her way in and it wasn't pleasant. Anger, burning hot anger flooded Rose's mind so much it hurt. There was no doubt in Rose's mind that the TARDIS was angry at the Doctor. Very angry. She wasn't hurt at all; she was choosing to stay here.

_Stay here…_

Rose fell back against the sand, gasping for air slightly as the TARDIS released her mind. She could hardly believe that it had just happened, wouldn't have believed it if her mind didn't still bristle with darkness from her. The TARDIS was angry at the Doctor and she wanted them to stay here. Rose wasn't quite sure why, but she had a nagging sense that it would not be wise to tell the Doctor this. She wished that the TARDIS had given her a little more to go on.

The Doctor, had of course, noticed the exchange. He rushed over to where Rose was and knelt down on the sand next to her. "Rose! What happened?" he asked, alarm filling his tone.

Rose didn't want to lie but she also didn't want to tell him the TARDIS had essentially grounded them. "The TARDIS…she's…all angry and upset" Rose said, with as much truth as she could. "I don't think we're going anywhere"

The Doctor looked Rose over. "What did she do?" his eyes darkened. "Did she hurt you?"

Rose couldn't help but think it was nice to have a bit of concern directed to her; the Doctor had been so closed off lately he hadn't noticed that Rose had hardly been alright. But she didn't want him to think the TARDIS had hurt her. While the exchange hadn't been pleasant, she wasn't hurt. "No" Rose said, pushing herself up to enforce the idea that she was alright. "I'm fine…..she just surprised me is all."

The Doctor seemed relieved. He stood up himself and cast a concerned look at the TARDIS. He gave Rose an almost apologetic look. "I'm not sure what to do, Rose" he said, obviously not wanting to admit his uncertainty.

Rose gave him a smile that she thought might be more of a grimace. "I guess we'll just have to be on holiday for a while"

…..

A holiday…..it was the last thing the Doctor wanted or needed. He walked along the side walk of the small vacation town, trying to not let his distaste show for the situation show. Rose was trying to make the best of the situation, perkily commenting on this and that around them, making suggestions of things that they could do but he was not the least bit interested. This was not running….this was staying. And if he was standing still it would be harder to hide.

Anger welled inside him at the TARDIS; she was doing this on purpose. For some reason, unknown to him, she was out to get him. Surely she knew how he felt and that staying here was not the thing he needed or wanted. He liked to think he was the one with all of the power but it was painfully obvious now that she was the one with the upper hand. And he did not like it one little bit.

As the suns began to go down, the Doctor felt himself suppress a yawn. He was tired, more tired than he wanted to admit and he was glad that Rose seemed to not notice the yawn, too immersed in commenting on a nearby band playing at an outdoor restaurant. It had been several days since he had slept; even he had had lost count which he knew meant it had been far too long since he had slept. He knew that his avoidance of the bedroom hurt Rose and for that he was regretful. But it was better than facing the night. The nightmares were unbearable, his guilt almost consuming. He didn't know how many times he could sleep next to Rose and not wake her with his inevitable screams. He was just glad that she was, obviously, a strong sleeper.

"There's a nice looking little place, how about that?" Rose asked, pointing to a nearby hotel. It had been Rose, practical as ever, that had suggested that they needed to find a place to stay as the suns began to set. The Doctor hated the fact that they couldn't even stay in the TARDIS, even if she had been grounded. He didn't want to sleep and he certainly didn't want to sleep in some strange hotel. Already he felt the loss of the TARDIS deep inside him. If he did succumb to sleep in this awful place, there wouldn't be the gentle calming touch of the TARDIS to help him calm down as he woke.

"This looks fine" the Doctor said, forcing himself to smile as he and Rose walked into the small hotel. They walked up to the counter and found themselves standing behind a green skinned couple who was checking in. It was apparent that couple in question could hardly contain themselves. They kissed between the questions of the clerk behind the desk and had their arms wrapped tightly around each other. The level of physical contact between people on this planet was disturbing to the Doctor; didn't anyone on this planet have any kind of self-control? He'd seen couples in varying levels of foreplay all day and it was making him squirm. He could see the look of longing in Rose's eyes each time they passed a couple locked in a particularly strong embrace and wondered how long he could hold her off if they stayed here. Rose was pretty good at containing her feelings and she never pushed herself on him but he could tell the exposure of so much…_affection…_wasn't going to help.

As the disgustingly affectionate couple made their way to their room- and not a bit too soon by the looks of them- Rose and the Doctor walked up to the counter. The human man behind the desk gave them a warm smile. "Hello, welcome to Seshol" he said. "How can I help you?"

Well, that solved the problem of knowing what planet it was at least; the Doctor did not want to have to resort to having to ask someone the name of the planet. It still wasn't a planet the Doctor had heard of though.

"We'd just like to get a room for the night" Rose said pleasantly, a smile on her face.

"Anything special in particular?" the man asked with a grin. "Honeymoon sweet? Anniversary package?"

Anger at the situation, fatigue and built up sexual tension bubbled inside the Doctor. "Why does bloody everyone think we're married?!" he burst out before he could stop himself. He was not prone such outbursts and he regretted it the second that he said it but he couldn't help it. The man stared back at him taken aback and Rose was giving him a disapproving stare. "Doctor!" she chided him before turning to the clerk in embarrassment. "I'm sorry….we've been traveling for a while and he's very tired" she turned back and gave the Doctor a glare. That wasn't half as bad as the slight look of regret in her eyes.

The man looked from Rose to the Doctor. "My apologies" he said, his warm smile gone. "Seshol is a very popular wedding and romantic getaway destination. Most of our business comes from couples looking to get away from it all" He ducked his head and checked for an available room for them.

The Doctor tried to not grown audibly; of all places they had to land on a honeymoon vacation planet. This was not going to help his slowly losing battle of feelings inside of him. Nor was it going to make it easy to keep Rose's feelings at bay.

The clerk looked up from his computer and gave Rose a keycard. "You're in room 145" he said. "It's here on the first floor, spectacular view of the private beach behind the hotel. Enjoy your stay"

"Thank you" Rose said politely and took the card, looking at the Doctor as she walked down the hallway. He expected Rose to comment on his outburst but she didn't. That was somehow even worse.

Their room was down at the end of the hallway and Rose slid the key in the door, locating door with a large 145 printed on it. The Doctor was unprepared for the delightful sight that waited on the other side of the door.

Their room was nothing short of honeymoon worthy. There was a large sitting room to the left with plush couches and chairs situated around a wide, elaborately decorated fireplace. To the right was a large kitchen, stocked with the nonessentials of several types of alcohol and chocolate. At the far end of the room sat the bedroom, opened to the rest of the room. The bedroom was filled with a massive bed that took up most of the room. It was covered with several pillows and burgundy silk sheets. The whole opposite wall of the room was glass sliding doors that opened directly onto the beach which now held a beautiful sunset. It took everything that the Doctor had not to fall face down on the wonderful looking bed and give into sleep. He was so tired and yet so unwilling to give in.

The Doctor wanted to say something, but he didn't know what. Rose, it seemed, was a little at a loss for words as well. Somehow this situation felt terribly uncomfortable, the erotic looking bed in front of them seeming like the elephant in the room. The Doctor didn't know why it should be this way; they slept together on a regular basis. However, they did not _sleep _together in the more human sense of the word. They had slept together one time, the night their son was conceived. The Doctor hadn't regretted it but it had not been his intention for that to happen. Their feelings had gotten carried away in the passion of finding each other after the battle on Satellite 5. This had caused them to go rather backward in their relationship, trying to figure out their feelings for each other after Rose had become pregnant. After the loss of their child they had become closer than ever, admitting their love for each other finally. But in the area of physical intimacy, they had not made much progress.

This was entirely the Doctor's doing and he knew it was not fair to Rose. It wasn't that he didn't want to give himself to Rose. Quite the contrary; he had always found it difficult to fight the feelings that Rose stirred inside him. He was not used to having such a need for physical contact; Rose had awakened this need inside of him. But he was so desperately afraid that if he gave himself completely over to her, she would find out who he was really and that would cause her to leave. When they had slept together before he had held back one essential part of himself from her; his mind. He had not let his mind touch hers in the way that he wanted to, needed to. He wasn't sure he could do that again and even if he could he wasn't sure he wanted to. If Rose could see the darkness in him, the nightmares that plagued his every sleeping moment, she was sure to run.

The Doctor was so deep in his own thoughts he didn't realize Rose wasn't there until he heard the bathroom door shut. Not knowing what else to do, he walked over to the dreamy yet imposing bed and sat down, facing the window. The purple blue sunset was stunning, the sparkles in the sky intensifying as it got darker. The Doctor could feel the fatigue really begin to seep into his bones to stay. His eyes fluttered shut and he was swaying slightly as he fought to stay sitting up. Something about this place was so relaxing, even if it wasn't the TARDIS and even if his mind was churning with what to do about their situation.

His sore eyes were wonderfully shut and he didn't even hear Rose entered the room. He was taken by surprise as he felt his jacket slip off his shoulders and a hand on his shoulder pulling him back. He wanted to fight it, to stay awake because he knew what would await him as he slept, but he didn't have the fight in him. He opened his eyes slightly to look up at Rose sitting over him on the bed, a small smile on her face. She put a hand on his chest, just barely touching him. "Don't you dare think about getting up…..you need some sleep, cranky time lord" she said, giving him a cute giggle as she bit her lip. He couldn't resist anything when she was that adorable; she could ask him to rip apart time and he would do it.

The Doctor let his eyes close again, a smile on his lips. "I'm not cranky" he said, even though he knew he was.

"Tell that to the clerk at the desk" Rose joked. She began to rub gentle circles on the Doctor's chest and it was his undoing. He could feel himself falling under the veil of sleep; though he wanted to argue, he knew it was pointless.


	4. Nightmares

_Warning: Brief mentions of torture _

Rose knew that the Doctor was tired, but even she was surprised at how quickly he had fallen asleep. She had been rubbing his chest for all of a minuet before she could tell he was asleep. She couldn't remember the last time that he had slept and she was glad he had given in. She hoped that he woke with a better attitude and outlook on the situation.

Rose took the Doctor's shoes off and pulled the blanket over him before leaving the bedroom. She walked around the hotel room, checking out their surroundings a little more. It was obvious that this place was made to help people relax. Rose looked through the kitchen, finding exorbitant amounts of alcohol and candy, though not much real food. Rose looked at the alcohol with an internal smile; maybe she could get the Doctor to actually toss back a few while they were here. The only time that she had seen him drink was when Jack had been traveling with them; he was a terrible lightweight when it came to drinking and he was a rather friendly drunk, much to Jack's delight. Rose had laughed like an idiot at the sight of Jack and the Doctor waltzing across the TARDIS console room before passing out herself.

Rose walked from the kitchen back to the bathroom. The bathroom here had nothing on the TARDIS bathroom, of course, but it was very nice. It had a massive walk in shower and a huge, whirlpool tub that had steps down into it. Unlit candles lined the edge, ready for a romantic soak. Rose thought briefly about taking a bath in the tub before settling on the shower instead. She was pretty exhausted herself and she really just wanted a quick wash down before bed. She shed her clothes and stepped into the shower, big enough for two….or more. She was impressed by the large array of soaps and oils in the shower and she emerged smelling better than she probably ever had before. As she dried off she was struck by what to wear to bed; it was not a common dilemma she had. The TARDIS made everything they needed, clothes included. Right now, though they had just literally the clothes on their back. Rose didn't want to put her dirty clothes back on but she also didn't want to push the Doctor by having him wake up to her sleeping naked next to him. She settled on her t-shirt and knickers, leaving the rest of her clothes in the bathroom. She walked back to the bedroom, the sun having set the rest of the way. Rose closed the curtains on the large window before crawling into bed beside the Doctor.

Thoughts swirled in Rose's head and tried to keep her fatigued mind awake. She'd been alarmed by the TARDIS' intrusion into her mind and the way she had forced them to stay here. She didn't understand why she wanted them here; maybe there was some unseen danger the Doctor needed to fix. Rose was trying not to think about it much. It was best to focus on the good things around them rather than the bad. And being on a wonderfully beautiful planet that tried in every way to make people comfortable and relaxed was really not the worst thing that could happen.

…

Rose jerked awake from her sleep hours later, suddenly on the alert. The room was mostly still dark, a sliver of sunlight coming through the blinds as the suns began to barely peak over the horizon. Rose's heart was racing and her eyes fought to adjust to the light, struggling to see something in the pitch black room. She could feel movement in the bed and as her eyes finally adjusted to the light she could see the Doctor thrashing around in the bed, in the throws of an obvious nightmare. His eyes were clenched, he was tangled in the sheets and he was making the most pitiful sound that she had ever come from him. It was like a small cry, more like a whimper, like even in his sleep he couldn't bear to let anyone hear him upset. It made Rose want to cry.

Not being able to stand the sight of the Doctor in such obvious distress, Rose shook him forcefully to free him from the nightmare. The Doctor continued to thrash for a minute before he jerked awake out of the nightmare. He sat straight up in bed, gasping for air. "Rose…..where are you?!" His voice came out strained and panicked. Rose hadn't ever heard him sound that way before.

Rose grabbed onto his hand gently so not to startle him. "I'm right here, Doctor" she said quietly. "We're in a hotel, remember? I'm right here next to you" she said.

As quickly as the vulnerable moment came, it was gone just as quickly as the Doctor composed himself. "Yes…..yes, I remember" he said, his voice more normal and even.

Rose gave the Doctor's hand a squeeze. "Are you alight, Doctor?" she asked. She was unsettled by his nightmare, knowing that it had to be terrible, whatever it was.

She was a little startled when the Doctor snatched his hand away from hers as he got out of the bed, obviously eager to brush off the incident as if it didn't happen. "I'm fine. Of course I'm alright" he said, a slight edge to his tone.

"Did you have a nightmare?" Rose asked cautiously. She didn't want to push him to talk but she got the impression he was ready to run, as he so often did when he didn't want to discuss something.

"I said I was fine" The Doctor said, anger tingeing his tone. Rose knew it wasn't really directed at her but she recoiled slightly. "I'm…..I'm going to go take a walk" he said hurriedly before slipping out the sliding door in the bedroom and walking onto the beach. Rose watched him go, laying back down in bed, knowing sleep would be impossible now. She stared up at the ceiling as the room became increasingly lighter and lighter, worrying about the Doctor. She knew something was bothering him; she knew that he was not alright like he always claimed he was. But for some reason he was holding back and wouldn't tell her. Rose rolled over on her side and hugged the pillow to her that the Doctor had been using. It smelled like him and she buried her face in it, wishing, as she often did these days that she was not alone in bed. She and the Doctor had both experienced the same loss; they had both lost their child. She had hoped that that meant that they could lean on each other in their hurt; it seemed that the Doctor had other plans.

….

The Doctor regretted almost immediately running out of the room without so much as his shoes. The suns had barely come up and yet the sand and sidewalks were hot beneath his bare feet. He was hardly the only one with no shoes on though, and no one seemed to pay him much as attention as he fought to adjust to walking on the hot sand. He ignored everything and everyone around him, only having one purpose in mind; the TARDIS.

The Doctor was glad when he saw the TARDIS sitting on the deserted edge of the beach where they had left it yesterday. He didn't exactly have any illusions that he would be able to get inside the TARDIS but he had to be near her, even if it was just to sit outside of her. He walked up to the blue wooden doors and wasn't surprised when they did not open. He didn't have the energy to be angry at her or wonder what was wrong with her. He was too tired and weary to do anything but fall down on the sand beside her.

The Doctor leaned against the blue wood, trying to soak up some small amount of comfort from her but there was none. He stared out across the ocean as the suns fully made their way into the sky and tried to forget the awful nightmare.

He hadn't ever wanted Rose to witness one of his nightmares; she would worry about him which he didn't need and certainly didn't deserve. The nightmares were of his own creation and she didn't need to waste a part of her delicate heart worrying about him. He also didn't want her to see it because she would then know something was wrong and no doubt nag him to talk about it. He didn't want to talk to her about it; telling her about his nightmares would reveal just how terrible he was. She would run away from him; or worse, she would hate him for it.

The Doctor knew Rose was hurting; he could feel it in her every night she went to sleep alone. She longed for his comfort and presence and he couldn't give her that right now. He felt her sadness each time she saw a baby and knew her mind drifted to the sudden loss of her own baby. He knew this because that was exactly where his own mind went. It hurt to think of their son and what it might have been like to have him in their arms now and instead of their hearts. As much sadness and loss Rose was feeling she didn't have the added burden he had of knowing that it was his fault their son had died.

Rose would tell him that it wasn't his fault their baby had died; she would, and had told him that he had done everything that he could to save them. He'd left Rose at the worst possible time because he had to. He'd had to leave her and deal with the Dalek threat that sought Rose and his son's lives. All of that was true but what Rose didn't know was that the part he hid from her, the part he relived in his nightmares was the part that made it his fault.

The Doctor laid his head on his knees and closed his eyes as the ever present memories flooded his brain.

_The Doctor's hands were slick with blood, mostly his own….so far….as he walked among the scattered derbies of the Dalek's outer casing. He walked slowly toward the helpless, pathetic body of the Dalek, lying on the ground making a gasping, strangled sound. "Mercy…..have mercy" he squeaked out desperately. _

_Anger and fury burned through the Doctor like a fire through his veins. He had lost most of his anger and rage; Rose had caused him to hold it back. He had thought that part of him had died but the evidence in his hearts right now was that the full force of the Oncoming Storm was alive and fully awake. His hate and rage at this creature, at his entire race boiled inside him with such strength that he feared it might consume him. In that moment, that Dalek represented his entire people, the ones who had killed everyone the Doctor had ever know, who had forced him to commit genocide on his own people, the ones who were now trying to take his new family from him. Dark hatred burned behind the Doctor's eyes. There would be no mercy today. _

_ The Doctor walked slowly, calculating, toward the pathetic carcass of the Dalek; it would be so easy to end it right here, right now. But he didn't want it to be that easy. He walked until he reached the Dalek, pressing his boot to its broken tentacles. He cried out from the pain, but to the Doctor it wasn't enough. He knew in that moment he was not the Doctor, not the one who knew how to stop. He was something else, something he didn't want to stop. "Mercy?" The Doctor asked, taunting in his voice, danger in his eyes. "You of all people want mercy from me?" He pressed his foot down hard until he heard what remained unbroken in the Dalek's body snap. _

_"Make it a fast death" the Dalek almost begged, tortured sounds issuing from him. _

_The Doctor laughed, a cold mirthless laugh; not even he recognized the sound of it. "Make it fast? Why would I do that?" he asked. This Dalek had come to him, had threated the life of Rose, the life of his child…wanted to take everything that he had away from him and he dared to ask for mercy? Anger in such extreme measure burst through his mind and he channeled it toward the mind of the Dalek in front of him. Screaming, calls of pure agony broke from the Dalek as the force of the Doctor's mind burst into his and shredded it. It was the worst way in which to inflict pain upon someone. Had there been other time lords, he would not go unpunished for this. But he was the last of the time lords. There were no rules left for him. _

_The Doctor didn't pull back, didn't stop until he could feel the Dalek on the verge of death. He wasn't ready to stop that soon. "How about that? Is that mercy enough for you?!" The Doctor screamed down at the helpless form of his most hated enemy. _

_He was not surprised that the Dalek did nothing much mumbled incoherently in response. His body and mind were in shreds. "Did you have any idea who you were messing with?!" the Doctor thundered. "I am the Doctor…..surely you know what that means" _

_The Doctor could feel the force of his anger and blood lust gain speed and let it unleash toward the Dalek again. He focused on the very centers of the brain that created pain and tore them apart. The screaming should have hurt his ears but it didn't; it only fueled him. "You don't get off easy!" The Doctor thundered as he pulled back yet again. The Dalek was barely alive under his torturous hits. He could tell the next hit would kill him and he was going to make it count. "You threatened my entire existence! I had nothing…..nothing because of your people. Rose and my son are what make me alive…..take that from me and you get this!" The Doctor summoned all the strength he had, every ounce of hate and anger and shot it at the Dalek's mind, ripping it from the inside out. _

The Doctor lifted his head, his hearts beating fast and tears at the corners of his eyes. He forced himself not to cry; this was hardly the place or time. He rubbed at his eyes and stared out at the water. How could he ever tell Rose? She'd be terrified of him…he was terrified of himself.

The Doctor had many sins in his past that he could never forget, ones that haunted him. But this was the worst. Not only had he lost the man that he had fought so hard to become, the one that didn't hurt, didn't kill, didn't love the feeling of causing pain in others, but it was his own lust for torcher that had killed his son. He could have killed the Dalek and been done with it quickly; that alone would be enough to think about in the darkness at night. But he had wasted valuable time torchering the Dalek when he should have been home. Had he gotten back sooner he might have done something to save his son. It was his fault that he died.

The Doctor sat beside his TARDIS for a long time, wallowing in self-pity and hatred. He knew he'd been gone a long time and he needed to return to Rose. She would be worried about him and he didn't want to cause her to worry.

The Doctor leaned his head against the wood of the TARDIS. "Why'd you have to go and do this?" he asked exasperatedly to his ship. "Things were going fine until you dumped Rose and I on this planet….a romantic resort of all things…just like a woman, too….." He was half expecting a mental nudge from the ship at his jab but he felt none. Maybe it was because she knew as well as he did that he was lying. Things weren't going fine; he and Rose's lives were in shambles right now, all his doing. They couldn't heal from the hurt because the Doctor couldn't let go. He couldn't let go because if he did Rose would leave him forever.

The Doctor stood up, brushing the sand off himself before walking back slowly to the hotel. It was midmorning by now and the suns were definitely hot now. Even with his lowered temperature, he was beginning to burn in this heat. He walked through the quiet part of the beach behind the hotel and slipped through the back door into the bedroom. He was not surprised to see that Rose was no longer there. He walked past the bedroom and found Rose sitting at the island in the kitchen, drinking something that smelled somewhat similar to coffee. She looked up from her mug and immediately noticed his entrance into the kitchen. He expected her to comment on his childish run from the room and his long absence but she didn't. That was always worse.

The Doctor took the seat next to Rose and looked over at the mug. "Coffee?" he asked, wanting to do anything to break the silence.

Rose looked down at the mug before staring at the Doctor. Debated crossed her face as if she didn't know whether to press him on the nightmare or to leave it alone. He was glad that she decided to not press it. "It looked like coffee…..before I made it" Rose said, scrunching her nose at the drink. "It doesn't taste at all like coffee though. Kind of like the ice cream"

The Doctor swiped the mug and took a drink. Honestly it tasted wonderful to him, though it wasn't coffee. "I think your taste buds are broken…..this is fantastic" he said with enthusiasm.

Rose laughed, making the Doctor glow inside. He loved it when she smiled and hated when she was upset. "If you say so Doctor…..honestly though I think you must just like some weird stuff"

"I do" The Doctor joked. "I like you, don't I?" He waited for the punch and was not surprised when Rose punched his arm a second later. "Hey!" she said at his joke. She pretended to be offended but the Doctor and she were laughing mere seconds later. Maybe this day was not a lost cause after all.


	5. Good Afternoon

_Alright, here's some much needed fluffiness for these two reluctant lovebirds :)_

Rose stood in the changing room, staring at the yellow sundress she had chosen. She smiled a little, enjoying how it looked on her, accentuating her curves. Definitely a keeper.

Rose looked at the other items she had brought with her, trying to decide which ones to keep. Though the Doctor had grumbled about it, she had made their first order of business today about getting some clothes to wear. He might have been content in wearing the same old clothes but Rose was not going to go another day in the same clothing that she'd had on. The climate was too hot and though she knew he didn't want to admit it, they might be here for several days. They needed something else to wear.

The Doctor had reluctantly found a bank kiosk and worked the sonic on it to get them some credits. Rose had then dragged the reluctant time lord to a clothing store, sending him on his way to pick out some clothes. She told him to get whatever he liked but she insisted on him getting a swim suit. He had grumbled some more about that, but she was determined to get all of the way in the ocean today. He had went into the opposite direction as Rose headed for the woman's section and Rose couldn't help but smile when she thought about what the Doctor might pick out. Without his customary collection of jumpers, it was hard to tell what he might come out with.

Rose looked through the clothes she'd tried on and settled for some t-shirts and shorts along with a few dresses like the one she already had on. If she had to be here, she was going to be comfortable. And, if the Doctor happened to take notice of her, well, then that was all the better.

Rose picked up a red bikini she had tried on, examining it one last time before deciding to buy it. She'd spent a long time in the bathing suit section (of which the selection on this planet was huge), worrying and obsessing about how each would look on her. She'd never really had that much of an issue as far as exposure had gone; she'd always felt fairly comfortable in a skimpy bathing suit. But with the constant rejection that she got from the Doctor she was beginning to have some body issues. She knew the problems with her and the Doctor's physical relationship went beyond such trivial issues but that didn't stop her from obsessing over it anyway. She'd even thought about wearing something less revealing but finally decided on the bikini. She wasn't sure what it mattered anyway; it wasn't like the Doctor was likely to notice.

After spending an ungodly amount of time with further obsessing over the underwear section, Rose emerged from the clothing store feeling unduly self-conscious but somehow still feeling good about the dress she was wearing at least. Rose walked outside of the store to find the Doctor sitting on a bench with several shopping bags, looking bored out of his mind. His head popped up when she sat beside him.

"Sorry it took so long" Rose apologized, wondering how long he had been waiting on her.

Rose was pleasantly surprised by the long once over the Doctor gave her. His eyes lingered but he didn't comment on it. "That's alright" he said. "Would have gone faster if everyone on the his planet wasn't so unfriendly"

Rose looked around at the people in the near vicinity. They were all, of course, couples, most of whom were locked in each other's arms or otherwise totally unaware of anyone else's existence. The Doctor would talk the ear off anyone who would dare listen to him; it wasn't surprising he found these people, so unwilling to talk to him, rude.

"I'm sorry they made it so difficult with their lack of people skills" Rose said with a chuckle, her eyes focused on a couple of humanoids who were making even her uncomfortable with the display of public affection. Feeling that uncomfortable sensation of unresolved sexual tension try to bubble up inside her, she tore her eyes off the couple. "I thought you were going to buy new clothes?" Rose asked, looking the Doctor over.

He looked offended. "I did buy new clothes" he said, gesturing to his outfit. The Doctor did have a t-shirt on rather than his usual jumper, but his pants, though a slightly lighter color than his usual ones, were pretty much the same. He still had his leather jacket on; Rose was beginning to think it was a permanent part of his clothing.

"If you say so" Rose said with a small smile. "There better be a bathing suit in there" she tried to peak into his bag but he snatched it away from her.

"There is…..I assure you there" he said, clutching the bag to him. "I followed the _rules" _

"You better have" Rose said with a snicker. She stood up and reached for his hand. "I don't know about you but I'm starving. Let's find some lunch"

…

"Now, see, Doctor" Rose said, taking a lick of her ice cream. "This is what ice cream is supposed to taste like"

"Whatever you say" The Doctor said, unconvinced, taking a bite of his own ice cream. "I still think you're wrong, though."

Rose shook her head, a smile on face. As startling as the day had begun, with the Doctor's nightmare and his several hour disappearance, it was turning out to be nice day. After getting some changes of clothes and taking them back to the hotel, the Doctor and Rose had gotten some lunch at a delightful restaurant on the beach. The tables had spilled out onto the sand and there had been a band playing. Rose had even convinced the Doctor to dance with her. Now, they walked along the boardwalk out into the ocean, hand in hand finishing their ice cream. Rose was actually beginning to feel like the Doctor was starting to relax finally and start to enjoy what Sheshol had to offer.

Rose and the Doctor were finishing up their ice cream as they got to the end of the boardwalk. Rose peered over the edge and waved the waves as they crashed against the wood, the sound providing a relaxing hum against the sound of the many tourists talking and laughing on the boardwalk. A warm breeze blew through Rose's hair, tousling it and cooling her. Rose could see from where she was standing, the TARDIS in the distance, still sitting on the edge of beach they'd left her. As much stress as their situation here had created, Rose was beginning to wonder if the TARDIS had put them here for a reason other than chance aliens. Nothing life threatening had happened yet; quite the contrary.

Rose looked over to the Doctor, who was also admiring the view. Sweat beaded on his forehead, his face red. He looked so hot Rose thought she just might be able to convince him to go for a swim. "How about that swim now?"

…..

Rose stood in front of the mirror, examining her reflection. She looked fine; well, as good as she had ever looked. She knew nothing had changed except the way she perceived herself. Her eyes fell again, as they did so often, to her flat stomach. There was no evidence that she ever carried another life inside her; she wondered how long it would take before she could look at her body and not think that way.

Rose turned away from the mirror and was startled when she saw the Doctor standing in the doorway, staring at Rose. She expected him to say something but he didn't. He just stood there, an intense look in his eyes, as if he wanted to say something but couldn't. The quiet was almost deafening and Rose's mind begged her to think of something to say but she couldn't. She was frozen, feeling both excited and self-conscious as the Doctor's eyes traveled over her. She gazed back at the Doctor, who was not as exposed as she would have liked; he was in long blue swimming trunks and a white t-shirt. But at least the jacket was gone; he was making some progress.

Just when Rose thought she might explode from the tension, the Doctor finally spoke. "You…..you ready?" he asked, his voice taking on a slight stuttering.

Rose gave him a small smile. "Yeah….I'm ready" she said, turning toward the sliding doors and slipping out, the Doctor following her. The small batch of beach behind the hotel was mostly vacant, only a handful of couples from the hotel dotting the area. Rose quickly made her way to the edge of the water, not caring much what the other people around her were doing. She looked behind her to find the Doctor hanging back slightly, watching the other couples. He eventually made his way to Rose's side and looked out over the water.

"You're going to need to get rid of that" Rose said, giving the Doctor a slight tug on the hem of the Doctor's t-shirt. She tried to hide how much she wanted to see the Doctor with less layers.

"I don't need to" he said, somewhat stubbornly. "I could leave it on."

Rose decided to throw caution to the wind a little bit, putting her hands on his hips and looking up at him with a playful grin. "Doctor, don't be such a prude…..relax" she said.

"Rose Tyler, I am _not _a prude" he said in his overly offended voice. "I just chose to not show off every layer of my skin like someone I know"

Rose grinned deeper. She glanced down at herself before looking up at him. "I don't see you complaining" she said, her voice a little deeper.

The Doctor's cheeks turned slightly pink. "I'm not complaining" he said quickly. "Just no one wants to look at this old body"

Rose could see that his defenses were slowly being pulled down. She decided to be bold; while it hadn't exactly helped her as of late she hoped that might soon change. Rose put her arms around the Doctor's back and pulled him close, biting her lip as she looked up at him. "I do" she said slyly. "And I hardly think anyone else is paying any attention to us anyway." Rose's heart beat was speeding up and she felt her nerves in her stomach. She almost expected the Doctor to turn and run away; it had been his method of choice lately. She was relieved when he instead reached down and pulled his shirt off. He gave Rose a slightly shy smile as he tossed the shirt aside. "Better?" he asked in a fake annoyed tone.

"Much better" Rose said with a grin. She put her hands on the Doctor's chest, running her fingers along it. She could feel a slight chill run through him and felt it run through her as well. A little tremor of excitement went through her; the last time she had seen the Doctor with this small amount of clothing on had been the night she had lost the baby. She had torn his clothes off and pulled him to her in desperation, seeking his warmth and the comfort of as much physical touch as she could manage to find, falling asleep in his arms.

"You know what would make it even better?" The Doctor whispered, leaning in toward Rose seriously.

Rose's breath caught. "What?" she asked, watching the sun sparkle against his face.

"This" the Doctor said, reaching around Rose, lifting her up and tossing her into water. Rose sunk under the waves for a moment, sucking water into her lungs from surprise. The water was cold, despite the heat of the day and Rose's senses were heightened from the surprise. She popped up quick from the water, coughing and pushing her hair out of her face. When she emerged from water, the Doctor was standing by the water's edge, hands on his knees laughing at her.

"What was that?" Rose asked, splashing over to him.

The Doctor continued laughing. "You….should see…..your face" he said through giggles, pointing at Rose's less than amused face. She tried to keep a straight face but found that she couldn't with him laughing so hard.

"You know that this means war" Rose said, trying and failing to give him a sly look. She ran at him through the water, pushing at him as hard as she could. She had been hoping that the force would be enough to knock the Doctor off his feet but she did not succeed in doing so. The Doctor saw it coming and as Rose launched herself at him, he caught her in his arms and spun her around, splashing her down in the water again. Rose managed to catch herself before she went under the water, but she tried to give him a wounded expression. "No fair!" she said, pushing back up from the water.

The Doctor smiled. "You said this was war" he said. "Don't expect me to go down without a fight"

Rose looked at the Doctor with an overly pouty lip. "Don't you know you're supposed to let me win?" she asked shyly.

The Doctor grinned wider and the sight made Rose smile inside. "Oh, I could never do that" he said, running at Rose in the water. Sensing he was going to launch himself at her, Rose tried to run in the shallow water away from him. Rose was managing to get away from him pretty well when a larger than normal wave came rolling in. It caught her slightly off balance and the small amount of hesitancy made her stumble. This was enough to give the Doctor the chance to catch her. He grabbed her from behind, pulling her close to him before falling back into the water. Rose was sucked under the cold waves once more, but held tightly against the Doctor somehow made it much more different.

Rose was helpless to pop up above the waves, held as tightly against the Doctor as she was. They seemed suspended in slow motion, the brilliant sunlight filtering through the beautifully clear water, admiring the sight before the Doctor pushed back up. Rose gulped the air as she popped back up. She tried to pull away from the Doctor's hold but was stopped from doing so. This made her happier than she cared to admit.

The Doctor loosened his grip just enough to turn Rose around in his arms to face him before tightening his grip again. They were both silent, breathing deeply from the time under water; the Doctor's eyes seemed to hold many things to say but he didn't say anything. His eyes sought Rose's and seemed to look into her very soul. When he looked at her like that she felt like he could sense her very thoughts. His face was calm, for perhaps the first time since they had been here and Rose was glad to see it. He had seemed so tense for the past few months; in truth she had been as well but his tension had amplified hers. To see him relax made her relax.

Rose felt herself float slightly in the water against the Doctor; as the waves pulled her slightly as if trying to pull her from him, she wrapped her legs around the Doctor's waist, ensuring nothing as simple as a wave would pull her from him. She felt the Doctor surprisingly tense for a second before relaxing again as if the motion surprised him. Rose's hands came to rest on his chest as she looked into his eyes.

They floated along in the water like for a long time, neither speaking, noticing nothing around them but the flood of emotions in each other's eyes. So much that needed to be said but couldn't be. Rose didn't know how to break the silence and she was glad when the Doctor did. "Still think you're going to win?" he asked, his voice low and sending a slight chill through her despite the hot temperatures.

Rose bit her lip before answering. "I think I just might let you win" she said slyly.


	6. Desire

Rose and the Doctor had spent a great deal of the afternoon in the water, splashing and playing around, being silly and exchanging more of those loaded stares that said more than they ever could. They had only emerged when the sun began to get lower in the sky and their stomachs began to demand they begin to think of where to eat for dinner. Rose emerged from the water feeling more relaxed than she had in months and she could tell by the look on the Doctor's face and the way that he carried himself that he felt much more at ease as well.

Rose had changed from her wet swimsuit and back into her sundress and was brushing the tangles out of her hair at the mirror in the bedroom when the Doctor came out of the bathroom dressed in his new-but-not-really-new clothes. He plopped down heavily on the bed and watched Rose brushing her hair. "Well, I have to admit that wasn't too bad" the Doctor said, leaning back on his arms.

Rose watched him in the mirror as she smoothed out her hair. "See…..I told you it would be fun" she said. "You just have to let yourself enjoy something every once in a while"

The Doctor looked at Rose, his eyes traveling, a slight darkness behind them. He paused for a long while before speaking, the pause making her feel exposed and yet she enjoyed the intensity of the look as well. Though she was done with her hair, she continued to fiddle with it, watching his face in the mirror. "If I knew you'd make it so nice, I would have done it a long time ago" he said.

Rose felt herself staring at him a little too long before speaking. "We've never even gone to the beach before, though" she said, her words carrying more weight than was necessary.

"No….but the TARDIS has a fantastic swimming pool" the Doctor raved, light in his eyes. "You've got to see it! She's…." As quickly as the light in his eyes had appeared, it was gone just as quick. He sat up on the bed, his shoulders slumped. It was obvious that just thinking about the TARDIS made him upset. "Well….I suppose you'll see it if she ever decides to let me in again"

Rose turned around and looked at the Doctor, slumped posture and sad expression. As much as he had seemed angry at the TARDIS, it was obvious that he really just felt torn and lost without her. The TARDIS was not a ship to the Doctor; she was just as much a companion to him as his human companions. While the idea of this might have once seemed strange to her, she understood it much better now, both because of his interactions with the TARDIS and her experiences with the TARDIS which was becoming more and more. The Doctor was lost without his TARDIS; that much could be seen his eyes.

Rose walked over to the Doctor, standing between his legs and placing her hands on his shoulders. "I know you're really upset about the TARDIS but you have to believe that it's going to be alright" Rose assured him, giving him an encouraging smile.

The Doctor looked away for a moment as if he was embarrassed that she could see how upset he was about the loss of his ship. "I don't think I've got that much faith" The Doctor admitted, looking back to Rose, pain in his eyes. He was hurt; not just by the loss of the TARDIS' presence in his life but by the fact she seemed to willingly push him away. Open vulnerability was in the Doctor's eyes no matter how hard he tried to hide it.

"Doctor, how long have you traveled with the TARDIS?" Rose asked. "She's not going to give up on you after all this time. You just have to give her time"

The Doctor gave a small, dark laugh. "You act like you know her" he said.

Rose's smile hid her churning thoughts. "She is a woman…..maybe I just understand how she feels" she said. She couldn't say what she was really thinking; that the TARDIS was angry at the Doctor, just as angry at him as Rose was. Rose didn't want to be angry at the Doctor but in some deep part of herself she was. She was angry that he wouldn't let her in; angry he was hiding himself from her. She was angry he didn't trust her enough to let her in to his pain. She was angry that he was making her suffer through her grief alone. But as much anger was churning inside her that was not the main emotion she felt for the broken time lord in front of her.

"I need her" The Doctor said. The small, scared voice the Doctor spoke in and the childish look in his eyes made Rose's heart break for him. She could forget that she was angry at him when he looked like that. Without the TARDIS, the Doctor couldn't afford to not have her either. "She's…a part of me. I know it must seem crazy to you"

"No" Rose was quick to say. "It doesn't seem crazy to me"

"She's become so essential to who I am" The Doctor said, averting his eyes for a moment as if he was going to pull back .Rose was glad when he didn't. "I feel alone without her"

Rose put her hands on the Doctor's cheeks, looking deep into his eyes. For once, he was being incredibly vulnerable with her and it made her want to be all that closer to him. This was what he was refusing to do in so many other ways in his life right now. Maybe not having the TARDIS for a short time could be a good thing for him; without it, he might have to rely on her. "You've still got me, Doctor" she said with a smile. "You're not alone as long as you've got me. I'm not going anywhere. You couldn't get rid of me if you tried"

The Doctor smiled at Rose, looking as if he wanted to say something but he didn't. The look on his face flashed from sadness to gratitude and came to settle on something deeper, something Rose couldn't quite read. The Doctor leaned forward and put his hands on Rose's hips before breaking the small distance between them and pressing his lips against Rose's.

Rose's breath was taken away from the small but important gesture. While they hadn't completely been without this form of affection in the past few months, it wasn't common either. In the days that had followed the loss of their baby, they had been very close and open with affection towards each other. But once they had started traveling again, it was like it had given the Doctor just the excuse that he needed to pull back again. It had hurt, still did hurt. Lately the only times they had kissed had ended with the Doctor pulling back and leaving Rose alone. At first, Rose didn't trust this and held back, only kissing him very gentle and small. She was afraid to get too attached because he would likely run any second.

Only he didn't; instead of pulling back, he moved in closer. As Rose felt herself begin to pull back from the gentle kiss, the Doctor stood up from the bed and put his arms around Rose's back, capturing Rose's lips in a deeper kiss. Rose was frozen for a second, her body rigid as she stuck between wanting to reject this and giving in to the desire that had been mounting for longer than she cared to admit.

The Doctor could sense Rose's hesitance and he pulled back slightly. He looked at her but he didn't speak; question was in his eyes. Whatever it was he seemed to want to ask, he didn't. He put his hand on Rose's face, skirting along her cheek before running over her temple before it came to rest in her hair. Rose could feel that small tremor run through her she felt when he touched that seemingly unimportant but somehow significant spot. Rose knew that any ideas she had gotten about fighting him was futile.

The Doctor noticed the shiver and seemed to take it as a welcome. He put his arms around Rose and pulled her toward him. Rose felt every contour of her body meld against the Doctor's perfectly as if they were two pieces of a puzzle. She was trapped, at a loss; she didn't want to do anything now but give in. Rose wrapped her arms just as tightly around the Doctor as their lips came to meet again, his time not as gentle or as easy. Rose could feel the Doctor's tongue move across her lips almost immediately, rough and desperate and none too gentle. Rose didn't even have to think before her mouth opened to him, holding nothing back. Her heart was hammering her chest and she could feel a rush flood through her veins. She had missed this, missed him; somehow she felt, just at the edge of her mind that this was going to hurt her but she was not, could not, hold back. He was pushing and she was going without a fight.

Somehow, Rose's back came to crash against the wall as the Doctor's body pressed against her in the most wonderful of ways. The Doctor's hands were on the sides of her face, his thumbs rubbing against her ears as his tongue moved along part of her mouth, making her moan before she could stop herself. She didn't know how it was possible to feel such desire from something as simple as the gentle strokes to her ear but somehow he was capable of doing that. Every nerve in Rose's body seemed primed and sensitive, ready for any and all touch that it might receive and it made Rose desperate to make any contact she could with the Doctor's body. She ran her hands along his back, moving under his t-shirt so she could feel his skin, glad when she could feel a slight tremor run through him as well. Rose pressed herself against the Doctor even closer, as if it was possible to get closer, becoming mad with the desire to simply meld into him.

Rose's lungs screamed for air but she had absolutely no intention of letting the Doctor go. His mouth moved along hers as he was trying to rediscover this part of her that he had so long pulled away from. Rose did the same, finding as much as she thought she knew every part of that wonderfully cocky and quirky mouth but she was finding there was more, much more than she had discovered yet far. She hoped, desperately that he didn't pull back anytime soon; to do so would cause her heart to stop, she was convinced.

But just as the thought occurred to her, he seemed to sense it and made it clear that he was not pulling back. The Doctor pressed her against the wall, his body pressed against her as if she was afraid that she might pull away. A gasp escaped her mouth as the Doctor's lips pulled back from her own; the sound died in her throat as she felt the Doctor's lips move to her neck. He traveled along her burning skin, biting and pulling each inch he touched. Her own head fell forward against his shoulder, hormones flooding through her blood and making her weak in the knees. Rose's head was spinning from the contact and she felt her hands move all along the Doctor's chest, back and neck, unable to simply be still.

Rose was getting lost in the sensation of the Doctor's lips against her neck, being robbed of all coherent thought except for the fact that she was beyond glad this was happening when her senses were heightened to another touch. The Doctor's hand reached under her knee, moving it to rest on his hip, pressing himself in the most wonderful of ways. Rose was almost mad with a range of emotions, happy, relieved, aroused, anxious, when she felt the Doctor's hand move up from her knee and up along her leg, towards her knickers and coming to rest in the one place that was aching for him to be there.

Rose gasped out the Doctor's name, biting down slightly where her mouth was resting against the Doctor's shoulder, the kisses along her neck and his hand doing the wonderful things it was doing in a place he had only touched once. Rose almost wanted to believe that she was dreaming; this certainly was not normal behavior from the Doctor. When something like this had been initiated, it had always been Rose. Now it was the Doctor, busting forth in fast movements as if he couldn't get enough of her. At least that was one thing they could be in agreement of.

Rose could feel mounting tension and pressure where the Doctor was touching and was vaguely aware that she should do something. She felt the urge to throw the Doctor back towards the bed, to take off his clothes so that she could do even half of what he was doing to her. But that had yielded such negative results in the past that she didn't; she felt this was a delicate balance and she didn't want to do anything that might make the Doctor stop what he was doing. So she remained still and allowed the Doctor to do whatever he wanted to do, fully aware that she was coming dangerously close to showing exactly how tightly wound she had been, how desperate she had been for this kind of touch. It would be slightly embarrassing but she was past the point of no return and she wouldn't be able to stop.

Rose could feel herself getting at the edge, panting heavily against the Doctor's shoulder as she was about to be thrown over the edge of her desire. Her fingers skirted along in his short hair as much as she could before they drifted down toward his temples. Rose was surprised when she felt a sort of crackly, electric sensation against her fingers as she touched this part of him. Rose didn't know why it was happening but it was a wonderful sort of sensation; her mind itself began to feel with a warm, bright perception as she rubbed her fingers along the Doctor's temples. As her body was reaching its brink of desire she could feel something press against her mind, almost as if from outside. It was a hard sensation to describe but one that she wanted to continue; she didn't know what it was, but she needed it.

Rose was one second from feeling the waves crash over her, the Doctor's name forming on her tongue in a moan, her mind filled with light when it all stopped. She heard the Doctor gasp sharply and he pulled back. Rose felt a shock wave roll through her body as all contact was broken from the Doctor. Rose's eyes snapped open and she stared at the Doctor who was standing in front of her, his face red and gasping for air. His face looked horrified; Rose felt her stomach drop. She had absolutely no idea what he had done; in fact, she was sure that she hadn't done anything to produce that reaction. She had held herself back for this very reason, not wanting to cause him to pull back. She had only barely touched him and now he was looking at her like she had violated him.

Rose felt terrible; her mind was empty and cold without the sudden warmness that had been there. She was throbbing from her near release, each nerve on fire from need and want. She felt embarrassed and guilty, as if she had done something wrong. Silence dragged on and Rose felt her mind screaming; it was horrible.

"W….what's…wrong?" Rose finally asked, unable to bear the tension of the situation any longer. The Doctor just stood there…_staring….._

Rose could see the battle behind his eyes as he thought of something to do or say. He pressed a hand against his mouth as if he might be sick, looking at Rose as if she had done something terrible. Rose thought she had done nothing but she was beginning to think she really had.

"Doctor…please…..say something" Rose begged him. She felt herself slowly dying inside as she could see what she knew was coming.

The Doctor looked at her with fear, anxiety and pain in his eyes before he turned around and fled from the room, leaving Rose feeling more alone than she ever remembered feeling.

….

Rose sat at the kitchen table, staring down into the disgusting glass of alien alcohol she was forcing herself to drink. It was not like her to use drinking as means to deal with her sorrow, much preferring to drink as a social or enjoyable event. But sitting alone in the hotel room for hours had caused her to become desperate for a distraction.

Rose's hands wrapped around the glass and her shoulders slumped. She hated the Doctor; she hated that she loved him even when he was so horrible. Two years ago a man in a blue box had taken her hand in a shop and told her to run; he had told her about how wonderful the universe was and made her believe in time travel and aliens. He had made her believe in herself; that she was something important, not just a dumb girl in a shop. Through their wonderful travels and the way he cared for her, he had somehow made her fall in love with him. They had been through so much; they had created a child together, feeling the soaring closeness love of their baby and the crushing loss at his death. Their life together had been fantastic; but the life they had had since the death of their baby was far from fantastic. Rose had loved everything about traveling with the Doctor but now it just felt like running away. She knew the Doctor loved her; she wasn't denying that. But he was running from her and she couldn't understand why. She didn't know what she had to do to make him want to pull away from her. He obviously didn't trust her enough to share what it was that was bothering him and that stung. She had no secrets from him and it was obvious that he did have secrets. She knew that he had done many things in his 900 years and she didn't expect him to share every detail of his life but she knew what was bothering him had to do directly with her and she did expect him to tell her that.

Rose could feel her head begin to swirl as the drink made its way through her system; rather than making her feel warm and fuzzy like it normally did, it was making the pressing loneliness and emptiness worse. Rose chucked the remaining liquid into the sink and went to the bedroom, sinking down into the cold silk sheets of the bed, feeling sadness begin to press upon her and demand to be released. Tears stung at her eyes and though she didn't want to give into the despair that she felt, she knew that without the Doctor here to know, there was absolutely no reason to hold back. Rose tucked her knees toward her chest in a curled position, holding onto herself since there was no one else to hold her. She pressed her face into the soft pillow of the huge bed, meant to be a place of intimacy and relaxation but one that had only made her feel more and more lonely. The tears that she had been holding in burst forth from her eyes and quickly soaked the pillow case as she cried. The sounds of her sobs echoed through the quiet room making, making her more depressed. She was _alone….._completely alone. The Doctor had left her….._again. _She had always, from the very beginning trusted the Doctor whole heartily. She knew he was always there for her, that he would protect her against all costs. But now…..now she was beginning to beginning to wonder if she would always be able to trust that he would be there.

Rose chocked against her sobs, wanting to stop but her tears were beginning to gain speed. She had forgiven the Doctor for leaving her during her pregnancy. He'd had to leave her to save her life; how could she not forgive him? She didn't hold any lingering resentment for that, only gratitude for what he had done for her, risking his own life to save her and their baby. But in light of his behavior over the past few months and how he had ran away this morning and now she had to wonder if one time he might just not come back.

Maybe he wouldn't come back tonight; Rose kept reliving the events of earlier in her mind. The look of pure horror and terror on his face as he had pulled back played over and over in Rose's mind. Things had been going so well; for once she had felt close to him again as he'd held her as if wanted nothing more than to consume her completely. She didn't understand what had happened; when she had touched his head she felt _something. _Something warm and happy and wonderful inside her own mind. She didn't know what it was exactly but she knew enough to know that it had come from the Doctor. It was not a common feeling to have something come into her mind from the outside but it was one she had felt a few times. The Doctor had helped her to feel the touch of their time lord son while he had grown inside her; she'd felt the wonderful love he held for her and felt everything that was in his being for his entire short existence. It was amazing; in contrast, she had felt the TARDIS burst into her mind when they had landed on this planet. It was strong, pushing into her mind like a violation, hurting her with the strength of her anger. She knew that what she had felt today had come from the Doctor; she didn't understand what it was but she wanted to. She wanted to ask the Doctor what it meant; she wanted to know about and feel more of it.

But as Rose cried into the pillow, her tears beginning to calm as she tired from the emotional excursion, she knew that was not going to happen. Just the moment they had begun to grow together, he had pulled apart. And Rose wasn't sure how much longer she could be on this emotional roller coaster with him.


	7. Surprise

The Doctor hung his head, hands thrust in his pockets as he walked down the street slowly. Everywhere around him couples were wrapped comfortably around each other, love in their gazes; it made him sick.

The Doctor kept walking until he reached the beach, the path becoming very well known to him. The TARDIS sat on the edge of the beach, looking lonely and dead sitting by herself. The Doctor sat down beside the TARDIS, leaning against it the same way he had earlier that day. Earlier when he mucked things up again.

The Doctor was disgusted with himself; his behavior was completely and totally unacceptable. The look on Rose's face was burned into his brain; she looked so upset. She had looked betrayed. He didn't blame her in the least; he had done nothing but push her away for months. He had felt her hesitancy when he had begun to kiss her; she had been rejected so many times she didn't trust him and she had reason to. But he had pushed her and she had, in her wonderfully great innocence, given in to him. And it wasn't even just the physical aspect; she had had to give him a great deal of trust emotionally and he completely trampled all over it. He had not been thinking at all; had he been thinking he would have never let himself get that carried away. Until he had met Rose, the need for physical contact was all but foreign to him. He didn't give himself over to the carnal desires that humans so often craved. But with Rose, it had been awakened in him full force. He was often alarmed at times how much he desired that contact with her, making it nearly impossible to resist. He really had meant to just kiss her and have it end there; he was so troubled by the state of the TARDIS and Rose had so understood. _You're not alone as long as you have me….._As he had kissed her that need had been reawakened in him He wanted to give himself to her, to be completely one with her. He had done something completely out of character for him; he had lost control. His mind, what he considered his best asset, had taken a backseat to his body. He would have done it too, given in to what they both obviously wanted. But when Rose had touched his head…..he'd had to stop.

With a mere touch, she had begun to touch his very mind. He could feel her mind just at the end of his mind, a whisper of a touch. He had been stunned; she should not have been able to do that even if she tried, much less do it if she hadn't even been trying. He didn't understand what had happened; he had been terrified she would see, that she would see the parts of him that he hid. He had pulled back and ran from the room like the coward that he was.

He knew he couldn't leave things like this; he would have to go back and talk to her. What he was going to say, that he had no idea of yet. He tilted his head, hitting the blue wood of the TARDIS in frustration. What was he going tell her? He knew she deserved the truth; she deserved to hear everything that he was holding back. She deserved the chance to run.

"I wish you would help me" The Doctor said, looking towards the TARDIS. "Why can't you just open so we could get off this damn planet? Go back to the way things were." He sighed. He knew he didn't want things to go back to the way they were. He didn't want to go back to nights alone spent trying to stay awake and force the nightmares away while Rose slept alone and upset. Their relationship now was a mere shadow of what it had been and terribly far from what it could be. He'd been holding on to their broken relationship because it was better than no relationship at all which was sure to be the result when he told Rose the truth about himself.

It was dark when the Doctor got up and began to walk down the street toward the hotel. He knew it was late but that seemed to do nothing to squelch the amounts of people on the street. Music spilled out of the restaurants as people danced along the beach. Laughing and sounds of quiet discussions hit him from all directions, the disturbing displays of affection having only increased when the sun went down. It did nothing to help the sense of longing burning inside him.

The Doctor slipped through the back door that led into the bedroom. It was dark in the room, the only light coming from the moon light streaming through the glass doors. He saw Rose, lying asleep on the bed and he sat down on the soft bed beside her. His hearts broken even more when he saw her more fully close up. She was lying on top of the covers, still dressed in the sundress from earlier as if she had just passed out on the bed. Dried tears were crusted at the edge of her eyes and he could smell the faint scent of alcohol on her breath. She was in pain and he had caused it. He tried not to think her drinking alone, wounded because of his behavior and crying herself to sleep. This was all his doing and she deserved so much better than him.

The Doctor propped himself up with one hand, the other going to Rose's hair, brushing it out of her face. Even in her sleep she looked sad and he wished he could take her pain away. He had caused it and the only way of fixing it was to cause more pain. She was so beautiful, the moonlight on her smooth skin, the hem of her dress pushed way to far up, reminding him of the situation that had put them in this situation in the first place. He wondered if he would ever be able to hold her in that way again; after she saw the real him it was unlikely that she would even want to be in the same room with him.

The Doctor reluctantly left the bed, not wanting to fall prey to sleep and suddenly having a fantastic idea that needed his pressing attention. He might hurt Rose in the process of showing her the real him, and he wasn't even sure yet how to do that, but he needed to take care of her in the process. And lately, he hadn't been doing that at all.

….

Rose woke up the next morning, feeling instantly stiff and less rested than when she had gone to sleep. She stretched her arms and legs out as they screamed in protest; she felt as if she hadn't moved all night. Her sleep had been wracked with nightmares though she couldn't remember the details upon awaking. Rose rolled over onto her back and opened her eyes. The room was filled with brilliant sunlight and her eyes stung a little, her head hurting from a slight hangover.

The events of the day before had come flooding back into her mind, unbidden. She remembered the calmness of the swim and lunch together with the Doctor and then the crushing despair of him fleeing from her. She didn't want to remember it but it was impossible not to. The Doctor had left her and had not returned the entire evening. Rose looked around the room, desperate for a sign that the Doctor had at least returned now. The sliding door was cracked and sunlight was pouring into the room, a warm breeze bringing the scent of ocean air in the room. Rose sat up in bed, listening for a sound, any sound that might indicate that the Doctor was here. But she heard nothing.

Rose felt the holes in her heart that had hurt so much last night be ripped back open at the thought that the Doctor had stayed out all night and had still not returned. Maybe the TARDIS had decided that she was no longer angry at him and had let him in. Maybe he'd gone somewhere…..maybe he wasn't coming back.

Rose knew that train of thought was not fair; she knew, even at his angriest that the Doctor would not leave her alone on an alien planet. But that didn't mean that he wouldn't hide in the TARDIS until she got so tired of waiting that she came looking for him. Tears were beginning to form in the corner of her eyes, making her feel completely ridiculous, when the door slid open and the Doctor walked in. He looked surprised to see Rose sitting up in bed awake but a smile quickly came to his face. "Good! You're awake" he said cheerily before rushing out of the room and towards the kitchen. Rose was confused and getting more so by the second when the Doctor returned to the bedroom carrying a tray with breakfast on it. He sat down in the bed beside her, placing the tray next to her. "I'm glad you're awake…..it's a beautiful day outside. Go on, eat your breakfast, we've got a big day planned." The Doctor said, cheer in his voice. He was acting as if yesterday hadn't even happened.

Part of Rose wanted to let the Doctor smooth over the details of yesterday like it hadn't happened; he was here and he was happy. She wanted to have that, not another fight. But this was unacceptable behavior. He couldn't just run off with absolutely no explanation and then come back to her as if nothing had happened. She couldn't let that stand and not say anything.

Rose looked over to the smiling face of the Doctor and frowned. "What the hell is this?" she asked, annoyance creeping into her tone. She didn't want to have a full blown fight but she wanted him to know that she was not just going to forget what had happened yesterday.

The Doctor's smile vanished. "I'm….I'm getting you breakfast in bed" he said, knowing coming to his face. He knew she wasn't going to let him forget about it but at the same time he was still trying to hold onto any trace of ignorance he could fake.

Rose looked down at the tray, calming some of her anger at him before meeting his eyes again. "I can see that…..but why?" she asked.

The Doctor looked like a wounded child, his face crestfallen. "I thought you might enjoy it" he said.

Rose's irritation was rising at his continued lack of ability to own up to his responsibility. She pushed the tray away. "I don't want it" she said defiantly, turning in bed so that her back was to him. He couldn't just be nice to her and brush all of this under the rug.

A few terse minuets passed before the Doctor placed his hand on Rose's shoulder. She pretended not to notice. "I know I….messed up yesterday" the Doctor said softly. "I want to try to make it up to you"

Rose wanted to stay mad at him; she wanted to ignore him until he had apologized thoroughly. But deep down she just wanted to forgive him and forget this. "You can't keep running away from me" Rose said, her voice a whisper. _Please stop hurting me, _her tone was screaming. "It's not fair"

Another long pause. "I know it's not" he said, his tone sad. "I'm sorry…..I know I treated you badly. And I promise I'll explain. Just not right this second"

The Doctor's hands on her shoulders turned her toward him. His face was sad and beseeching; he wanted forgiveness. Rose was open to the possibility that he would open up but she was not ready to forgive him yet. "It's alright" she said. The Doctor leaned toward her as if was trying to kiss her but Rose tilted her head slightly to the side, moving out of the path of his lips. Hurt crossed his face but he pulled away quickly, getting the hint. As much as Rose wanted to forgive him, she was still deeply hurt and she couldn't just pretend that she wasn't.

The Doctor, slightly burned from Rose pulling away, moved back, sitting back on the bed. "Alright….." he said, obviously wanting to change the subject. "Go on, eat your breakfast. I've got a surprise for you today"

Rose stared down at the tray; her stomach rumbled slightly and she remembered that she hadn't eaten last night. They'd been about to go to dinner when the Doctor had left and after he had Rose hadn't had an appetite. She had felt terrible; even now she didn't feel that great. But the Doctor seemed excited about whatever it was that he had up his sleeve, and that gave her a little hope.

Rose pulled the tray toward her and began to eat some of the strange looking fruit on her plate. "So….what is it? The surprise?" she asked curious and not wanting to wait.

The Doctor just grinned back at her. "If I told you, it wouldn't be a surprise" he said slyly.


	8. I'm Scared

Rose sat at the edge of the boat, the ocean spray hitting her arms and skin and cooling her as the hot suns beat down on her. She watched the dark blue water fly past her, seeing the fin of a fish poke up from the water every now and then. The purple tinted sky was exceptionally bright today and the sparkling more vibrant. It was a simply beautiful day; Rose could hardly believe it when the tour guide on the boat has told them there was a tropical storm predicted to come in that night. Right now everything was beautiful and Rose couldn't believe that it would soon be raining and storming to the point of forcing everyone inside.

Rose turned away from the side of the boat and came to sit down next to the Doctor. He was sitting back comfortably on the boat, head tilted up towards the sun as if he was sunbathing. Rose still couldn't believe he had chosen to leave the hotel without his customary leather and she had muffled a stunned look as he'd done so.

"It's beautiful out here" Rose said, reclining next to the Doctor as other couples around them chatted about the scenery or got lost in the eyes of their own partners. "So….where are we going?"

The Doctor opened his eyes and sat up a little straighter, giving Rose a mischievous smile. "I'm not telling you…..that's the whole point of a surprise" he said.

Rose gave him a little pout but knew he wouldn't budge. She had no idea what to expect; the Doctor was not one for romance and she wondered what he had up his sleeve on this dreamy planet. After what had had happened last night she wanted to be simultaneously angry and forget about it completely. But she had to admit the fact that he seemed to not only acknowledge that he had done something wrong but was trying to make her feel better made her cautiously optimistic that maybe they weren't broken completely.

Rose was already smiling when she looked up caught sight of the surprise; her mouth dropped open as she took in one of the most beautiful sights she had ever seen. Just ahead there was a small island filled with the most amazing flora. Trees of purple, orange and red covered the surface of the small island, looming snowcapped mountains looking like a contrast to the rest of the planet. The sparkles in the daytime sky glinted off the surface of the plants and made it shimmer.

"Doctor…..it's so beautiful" Rose said in awe as she gazed from the beautiful island back to the Doctor. He was smiling, obviously pleased with himself.

"I had a feeling you might like it" he said with a grin. As the boat neared the shore, Rose was standing up, craning her neck to see more of the planet. She felt a hand slip into hers and looked over at the Doctor, who was looking down at her, a smile in his eyes. It was the way he had looked at her before this whole awful mess had begun.

The tour guide was cautioning everyone to return to the boat in a few hours to beat the storm as Rose and the Doctor made their way off the boat. Everyone began to walk down the designated path, meeting another pleasant toned, green skinned tour guide when the Doctor pulled Rose off to the side under an orange tree. It was dark under the thick foliage and Rose squinted to see the Doctor in the dim light. "Doctor…..we're going to miss the group" she said, though having a suspicion that she was going to want to miss the group.

"A guided tour? When has that ever been us?" the Doctor asked with a grin. "I've got something much better planned"

Rose felt her smile spread from ear to ear. "Sounds like our kind of a plan" she said happily.

The Doctor grinned, his beautiful, goofy grin as he squeezed her hand. "Then Rose Tyler…..run!" he said, all the excitement of a child in his eyes. Just like the first time he had said it, Rose didn't have to hesitate before taking off alongside him.

…..

"I just can't believe they aren't real stars" Rose said, gazing up at the glittering beauty above her, stretching her arms across the cold grass to reach the Doctor's behind her. He grabbed her hands, a warm anchor holding her to this strange earth.

"They are very convincing" the Doctor said. "Though, in my opinion nothing beats the real thing"

Rose gazed up at the canopy of blue trees above her; the leaves in this part of the forest were so thick that it seemed like night under them. Thousands of bright yellow bugs glowed in the branches putting on the beauty of a night sky. Rose knew, unfortunately, that they would soon have to go back to the boat to avoid the storm but right now she wanted nothing more than to stay in this moment forever with the Doctor. She didn't know how he had known about this place but he had led her exactly to this spot without hesitance, running through the rainbow trees until they had fallen on this spot, out of breath and laughing.

Rose turned her head in the grass so that it was resting close to the Doctor's. "This place is so amazing Doctor….how did you find it?" Rose asked.

"I just had a hunch" The Doctor said vaguely, a smile on his voice. They lay in comfortable silence for several minutes before the Doctor spoke again.

"I wanted to do something nice for you Rose" he said sadly. "I know I haven't really…..been all that fantastic lately. I'm…I'm sorry"

Rose's heart clenched; it was the first apology, the only acknowledgment he'd given that he'd done something wrong. It was the first time he had admitted that things weren't fine between them since little Pete's death.

"This is wonderful" Rose said. "But what I've really wanted is you"

Silence hung uncomfortably between them; Rose didn't want to push the Doctor away by treading through this conversation that they had been avoiding having, but at the same time she didn't want to miss this opportunity to talk either. They needed to discuss the pain and the hurt that they were both feeling and Rose was desperate for the Doctor to open up and be honest with her. She knew he was holding back pain, maybe pain even deeper than her own and she wanted to be there for him. She didn't like dealing with her pain alone and she didn't want the Doctor to have to have to do that either.

Rose was hoping that the Doctor might find his voice and say something but he didn't. Knowing she might regret it but knowing at this point they had no choice but to discuss this she went on. "Doctor…..I've missed you so much" she said in a quiet whisper, her voice catching.

"I've been right here all along" The Doctor said, his voice straining to contain the emotion that was barely hidden under the surface.

"No you haven't and you know it" Rose admitted. They both knew that while they were both physically together they were emotionally worlds apart. "You've been running from me ever since we left Earth"

"No I haven't" The Doctor said. His voice was weak and even he knew it wasn't a convincing lie.

Hesitance tore at Rose's heart; she desperately hoped that this didn't mean the Doctor was going to avoid talking about this again. "Yes you have Doctor" Rose said, desperation creeping into her tone. "Please…..don't run away from me. Just be honest with me"

There was a long pause before the Doctor's voice sounded, strained and full of unshed tears. "Rose, I love you"

Rose's voice grew tight; she turned her head to the side, the Doctor already having done the same. The Doctor's intense blue eyes were inches from hers, full of pain and hurt. The Doctor was not the one to say 'I love you' on a whim. He had in fact, only ever said it two other times. If he was in the habit of saying it, she would think he was trying to change the subject now. But she knew that wasn't like him; that, and his tone showed that he really meant it.

"If you love me, Doctor, just be honest with me" Rose said, tears beginning to come to her eyes. "Talk to me, tell me what's wrong"

Rose was alarmed when she saw the same tears in her eyes begin to mirror in the Doctor's. She'd only ever seen him cry once; the night she had told him she had lost the baby. He was hurting so bad and holding it all to himself. "I'm afraid" the Doctor said, his voice vulnerable and raw.

"Of what?" Rose asked, putting her hand on the Doctor's cheek. _Please let me in, Doctor, _she silently begged.

"Losing you" The Doctor said, closing his eyes. The scared, helpless tone of his voice broke Rose's heart. The Doctor never sounded that way; it also broke her heart that he still thought he could lose her. Were they really back to the beginning? She thought that they had worked past this, but it was obvious that at least to the Doctor this was still a big fear.

"You're never going to lose me" Rose said, turning on her side and gripping the Doctor's face between her hands. "Nothing you can say is gonna change that. You've got to believe that…..please Doctor"

Rose tipped her head so that it touched the Doctor's. As she put her hands more fully on the Doctor's, she felt her fingers inadvertently trace over that delicate place of his temples.

She felt her breath catch in her throat as she felt that thing again, that thing she had felt yesterday. It started as an electric tremble through her fingers and went to her mind. It had been strong yesterday but this time it was even stronger. It was like her mind felt warmed by something from the outside; a moment later she felt a wave of overwhelming sadness. She didn't know how she knew but it was the Doctor's sadness; she could feel it seep into her mind, her heart and fill her. He was so sad, so terribly sad; of losing her but there was more too.

Rose felt the sensation ripped from her mind as the Doctor pulled away from her and stood up, panic crossing his face. Rose jumped up after him, knowing what was going to happen next. He was going to do what he always did; run.

"Doctor, what was that?" Rose commanded, looking at the Doctor, demanding an answer. She needed to know what was happening between them and why, if it felt so wonderful and right, did he keep avoiding it?

"We have to go" The Doctor said, his voice strained. His eyes didn't meet hers and she could see turmoil behind them.

"No" Rose said, firmly, crossing her arms. "Doctor, you're going to talk to me. Tell me what that was"

The Doctor looked at her, darkness in his eyes. "We have to go…..we're going to miss the boat" he insisted.

Rose didn't move. "I'm not leaving until you tell me what just happened" she insisted. She was tired of him avoiding this. Their relationship was never going to work if he kept doing this.

"We are not having this conversation, we are leaving" the Doctor insisted, giving her a hard look.

"No" Rose said, her own voice gaining a rough edge to it. She was so hurt at his continued avoidance and she was tired of it.

"If we don't leave now we will miss the boat" The Doctor said.

"I'm not leaving" Rose insisted.

The Doctor grabbed her roughly by the wrist. "Stop being a child" he said as he pulled her along, walking down the path. Rose tried to fight against his hold but it was surprisingly hard and fighting was too hard. Anger boiled inside her at his behavior and from her hurt that this was happening….again.

_These two are in for a discussion now! I promise, Rose wont let this drop...lots of feels ahead! Thanks for reading. _


	9. The Doctor's Reveal

_Here's an extra long chapter for you all :) Please reveiw, I love to hear from you guys!_

The ride back to the mainland was one of the most uncomfortable experiences that Rose and the Doctor had ever shared. To any outsider they would appear to be unhappy strangers. Rose had her back turned to the Doctor, ignoring him. She watched the now black sky and the tumultuous seas, thinking they very much were like the atmosphere between the Doctor and herself. This was not over; she hoped that the Doctor didn't think that he had gotten out of it. After being drug through the forest by the Doctor like an insolent child she didn't want to make a scene in front of everyone. But with the swirling wind and beginning rain drops Rose knew they were soon about to be closed in their hotel room for the night and the Doctor wasn't going to be able to run away like yesterday.

She had _felt _the Doctor's mind; she could feel his deep sadness and the fear that he would lose her. She wasn't sure how it had happened; she had felt the TARDIS' mind the first day they were here and she had felt the touch of Pete's mind while he'd been in the womb. But this was different somehow; she didn't understand it but she wanted to. As soon as the Doctor's mind had pulled from hers she had ached for it again.

As soon as the boat had docked, the Doctor was off, walking at a tremendously quick pace. He didn't glance behind him to see if Rose was following him. She struggled to keep up but was at least a little surprised when she saw his path leading to the hotel. She had half expected him to run off somewhere else even though the rain was beginning to beat down heavily, the wind making it difficult to walk.

Thunder was booming and lightening crackling through the sky as Rose reached their hotel room. The rain was heavy, soaking Rose to the skin as she opened the sliding door and entered their hotel bedroom. The room was dim but Rose could see the Doctor, drying off on the other side of the bed. He didn't turn when Rose came in, no doubt trying to ignore her. Rose walked around to the side of the bed that the Doctor was on and stood in front of him, shivering from the soaking wet clothes and her anger.

"What is happening, Doctor?" Rose asked, ripping the towel from his hands and tossing it across the room so that he couldn't focus on that. "What is happening to us?"

The room was silent, the only sound the violent rain crashing against the window before the Doctor finally spoke. "What do you mean, Rose?" he asked tiredly as if he really had no idea. She didn't buy it.

"What just happened?" Rose asked, her voice hard, keeping her anger at the forefront of her mind to avoid giving into her fear. "I _felt _your mind…..how did that happen?"

The Doctor looked at Rose, his eyes maintaining the hard look he had in the forest; now that she had felt his fear she knew this was to cover up his true feelings. "Just let it go, Rose" he urged her, caution in his tone.

Rose had never been one to give up and this certainly wasn't the time to change that. "I will not let it go, Doctor" she insisted, her voice rising. "Just talk to me! What was that whole ordeal, taking me out to that beautiful place and trying to be romantic but really not intending to get any closer to me?"

"Stop it" The Doctor said, scowling at her. "You're making this bigger than it has to be. Just drop it"

Rose hung her head; she couldn't believe him. "You know what, Doctor?" she asked, hurt creeping into her angry tone and making it hard to keep from doing something stupid like crying. "When we get off this planet, you take me back home and just leave" It hurt to even say it, but Rose meant it. If this was the way that they were going to be from now on then she couldn't handle it. She couldn't keep him at an arm's length any more.

"What?" The Doctor asked in astonishment.

"You heard me" Rose said, fighting to keep her fire. "If this is the way we are going to be now, I don't want any part of it"

"Don't be ridiculous" The Doctor said, anger fighting to hide his fear.

"I'm not" Rose insisted. Tears began to pull at her eyes again and she could hold them in. If she was losing him, really losing him, she couldn't be angry about it. She would just be dying. "I'm not being ridiculous. I don't even know you anymore, Doctor. We used to be close…..we used to be friends. Now we're not anything. I love you, you stupid alien" Rose chocked, swallowing back a sob. "I love you so much and I can't stand what we are now. We had a baby, Doctor. We had a baby and we lost him and we never talk about it. We never talk about anything"

Finally, Rose saw the anger melt away from the Doctor's expression at the mention of their child. His resolve was crumbling and it was shown in his pained expression. "I'm trying to protect you" the Doctor said, his voice strained.

"Protect me?" Rose asked, her voice cracking as a tear rolled down her cheek and fell off her face. "How is this protecting me? I'm hurting so much Doctor and I know you are too but ever since we left Earth, you've been running away. You never sleep…..you never let yourself slow down. You keep pushing me away" Rose swiped at her eyes, angry at her tears. "I want you to talk to me, to hold me…..I want to be able to spend a night with you. I want to know you're not going to leave again."

The Doctor looked at her with pained anger. "I thought you forgave me for that" he said.

And Rose had forgiven him for leaving her on Earth while he had gone to protect her and Pete. But with his behavior lately she could be sure he wouldn't leave. "I did…..but how can I feel safe when you run off any time I try to get close to you? Look what happened yesterday."

"What about it?" The Doctor asked, his tone defensive.

"You finally started to let yourself get close to me!" Rose burst out. "But then just as quickly you pulled back."

"That's because you….." The Doctor started to argue but quickly cut himself off. He seemed to recognize he was revealing something and he pulled back.

"Because I what?" Rose asked, not caring if he got angry. She needed answers one way or another. "Because I responded when you touched me? You're the one that bloody started it! I tried to pull away but you seemed so into it I thought for once you wouldn't pull back. But you did…..like you always did. Just because I touched you."

"Because you touched my mind!" The Doctor retorted angrily. There was silence for several seconds as they both took in what he said. The Doctor's eyes widened as he realized what he let slip and Rose stared back at him in surprise.

"I-I can do that?" she asked, wonder obvious in her tone.

The Doctor rubbed his eyes, obviously upset at the turn their conversation had taken. "You're not supposed to be able to" he said. "It's like with…our son" He paused a long time before he spoke again. "You and I could touch minds, like you and he did. But I should have to be the one to initiate it. You shouldn't be able to do it…..and certainly not without trying."

Rose thought about the TARDIS and how she had spoken to her; maybe her time with the TARDIS in her head had changed her mind in some way. Her mind reeled at the idea that she could have the close, intimate connection with him that she had one time shared with her child. The idea thrilled her and she couldn't understand why this was a bad thing.

"You…..act like it's a bad thing" Rose said.

"It is a bad thing" The Doctor said, looking at Rose with a glare that begged her to understand. She didn't.

"What? It's bad because you want to hide yourself from me?" Rose asked. "You don't want me to touch your mind because then you wouldn't be able to hide everything from me"

The Doctor cursed, rubbing his hair in frustration. "You don't get it Rose!" he said angrily. "I'm trying to protect you…..I don't want to hurt you"

"You're hurting me by hiding from me!" Rose exclaimed. "I really just want to know what is wrong"

The Doctor stood up from where he was sitting on the bed and closed the space between them. There was fire in his eyes as he looked down at Rose and she felt a shiver run through her that had nothing to do with her wet clothes. "You really don't want to know" he said coolly. "That's your problem, Rose. That you just don't know when to stop. This time, I'm telling you…..you really don't want to know"

Something in Rose urged her to drop the subject but the larger, more daring part of her urged her to go for it. She put her hands on the Doctor's face before he could stop her and looked into his eyes. "I really do" she said.

The last thing Rose saw was the anger cross over the Doctor's face; the last thing she felt was his hands on her wrists, pushing her towards the wall. And then…..she got the answer she'd been asking for. And it took her breath away.

Anger, bursting, burning anger ripped through her mind, threatening to tear her mind apart. A memory, like a movie, began to play in her mind, over and over again. She could see the body of a Dalek laying on the ground, ripped from its casing. Its body was broken and bleeding and it was screaming the most horrible scream of a tortured soul. Rose could feel her heart breaking as she heard it, wondering why she was seeing it and why it hurt so badly. Then she saw him; the full force of the oncoming storm. Rage and fire burned Rose through the force of the dream; she could feel the power of the Doctor's mind as he had ripped through the mind of the Dalek. It hurt so badly Rose wanted to scream, maybe she was screaming. But all she could feel and see was what was in the Doctor's mind. It was terrifying, the furry and power in the Doctor. It was not the Doctor she knew. Had it been just the vision of this image, the Doctor mercilessly ripping a Dalek apart in cold blood, it would have scared Rose, made her fear the Doctor.

But it wasn't just this vision that she got; she also got with it everything the Doctor _felt. _She could feel the raging hate he felt for the Daleks as a species. She could see Gallifrey burning, could see children being murdered in the street by the Daleks. She could feel the Doctor's sorrow at watching so many deaths at the hands of this enemy. She could feel how tortured he was, given a choice that no one should ever have to make; in order to kill his most hated enemy he also had to put his own race to death.

As powerful as those feelings were and how justified they made his animosity of this Dalek, it was a revenge against this Dalek alone that had made him snap, had made him lose his mind in that moment. This Dalek alone had threatened Rose, had threatened their son. She could feel his overwhelming love for them and his crippling fear that he was about to lose them, fear that he would fail and they would die. Terror that they would die and resignation that if they did it would kill him as well. Failure was not an option.

Rose's head was spinning; she felt like she was on a roller coaster and she just wanted to get off but she couldn't. As anger and fear washed over her in waves, it was replaced by guilt. The deepest guilt, the kind that made you feel as if you didn't even deserve to live. The Doctor's guilt was so heavy, constant; it was like a blanket over him, strangling the life out of him. _It was my fault he died…if I hadn't stayed…..he'd be alive. I wasted time when I could have made it back in time. It's all my fault our son died…..if Rose ever found out, I'd lose her too. _

Rose gasped as her mind suddenly was quiet. All the air was sucked from her, like falling on your back and getting the wind knocked out of you. Rose struggled to breathe as her mind was suddenly back to being her own, raw and painful from the exposure to the Doctor's tortured soul. She stood pressed against the wall, staring at the Doctor who had pulled back, horror on his face.

"Oh my God…..Rose, are you alright?" he asked, self-loathing and fear in his voice. "I didn't mean to…..I wasn't trying to…Rose…say something"

But Rose couldn't say anything; her tongue was frozen as her lips began to wobble. She could feel the tears begin to run down her face of their own accord and she couldn't stop them.

"Rose…..I'm so sorry…..did I hurt you?" The Doctor's voice was desperate, aching for her to give him an answer but Rose simply couldn't produce one. She didn't know yet if she was okay; she didn't know if she was hurt.

Rose looked once more into the Doctor's eyes before crumpling to the ground, curling into herself and beginning to sob. The Doctor knelt beside her, words of sorrow and concern spilling from his mouth every few seconds but Rose didn't hear it. She covered her head with her hands as her mind struggled to cope with what she had saw and felt.

After several minuets she came to realize that she wasn't hurt. Not really; she'd be fine. But emotionally she was hurt. She had no idea what the Doctor suffered with each day. He held so much pain….incredible pain and fear and guilt. How did he go on? She'd had her own share of guilt that she had been responsible for little Pete's death; she'd held guilt that somehow she had done something wrong to cause her miscarriage. The simple fact that her body had become uninhabitable for Pete once the energy of the TARDIS has left her gave her the sense that her very body was flawed and dangerous, that it had killed him. But she had worked through those feelings in the past few months and while her pain was strong and still very vibrant, she didn't hold the guilt anymore. The Doctor, however, had felt more guilt as time went on. The Doctor had not only killed the Dalek who had sought to destroy his family; he had mercilessly tortured him. He had made him pay not only for his own transgressions but for the sins of his entire race. The Doctor held extreme guilt for this; not only did he feel terrible for doing it, he felt guilt for the time he had taken doing it. Had he not wasted time, he could have saved their son, at least in his mind.

Rose knew a long time must have passed before she finally opened her eyes and looked up at the Doctor. His face was a mask of panic and guilt and she wondered how long she had kept him waiting. She rubbed her eyes and stared at the Doctor as he reached down and stroked her hair. "Rose…..I'm so…so…..sorry" he said tenderly. "I never meant this to happen…..this is exactly what I was afraid of happening. How bad are you hurt?"

Rose sat up, the Doctor helping her into a sitting position, his eyes not leaving her for a second. "I'm…..not hurt." Rose said.

"Rose, be honest" the Doctor said. "My mind…..I couldn't hold it back…..it was like it exploded. It had to have hurt you"

Rose shook her head in the darkness. "I'm really fine, Doctor" she said. She reached out and put her hands on his cheeks. "But you…Doctor. You're not fine" She rubbed her thumbs along his cheeks as a fresh tear ran down her face. "You're not fine at all. Why didn't you tell me?"

Guilt and sorrow crossed over the Doctor's face as he pulled back slightly, looking down at his lap. "I'm fine Rose…there isn't anything wrong with me" he started. "You-"

"Stop lying, Doctor" Rose admonished him. "Stop lying to me…..I saw it all. I saw your pain so don't you dare sit there and tell me you're fine when I know that you clearly are not. You're in so much pain…Doctor, let me help you"

The Doctor closed his eyes; when he opened them she could see the unshed tears that he was fighting to hold back. "Help me…..Rose, how can you even say that? Didn't you see what I did? I deserve no sympathy" he said, his voice of self -loathing.

"I saw everything" Rose said, taking the Doctor's hand. He tried to pull back but Rose held tight to his hand. "I saw what you did to that Dalek…..I saw it all."

"Aren't you terrified?" The Doctor asked, a tremble in his voice. He was the one that sounded terrified.

"No" Rose said quickly and with sincerity. The sight of it in her mind had been scary; the kind of power that the Doctor held was not something that she had ever known about. But the reason behind it made her not scared of him.

The Doctor pulled his hand away from Rose with force. "Well…..you should be" he said with anger on his tone. He stood up and walked to the window, looking out at the destruction of the storm outside. Rose could see him illuminated in the light of the lightening as he watched the rivers of rain run down the window and everything blow around from the strong wind.

Rose got off the floor of the bedroom and walked over to the window, standing behind the Doctor, rapping her arms around his waist from behind and laying her head on his back. "Doctor…..I'm not afraid of you. I never will be. I know you are so afraid that I would be scared of you…..that I would come to hate you for what you did. But I don't Doctor; because while I saw what you did, I also felt what you felt. I felt your fear…..you were so afraid of losing me and our baby. I felt how your greatest fear was that you would lose us…and how devastated you felt when you realized our baby died. I know how guilty you feel; you feel like if you hadn't done what you did that he'd still be alive. But Doctor, you can't blame yourself for that"

The Doctor detached himself from Rose's hold and turned around. His face was broken and tears were brimming on his eyelids. "Why can't I?" he asked in agony. "It's true…..if I had been here I might have been able to prevent your miscarriage."

"That's not true" Rose said, urging him so desperately to believe it. "You told me that yourself. That even if you were here…you couldn't have done anything. You've got to believe that yourself…you made me believe it"

A tear made its way out of the Doctor's eye and ran down his cheek, making Rose hurt. He swatted at the tear as soon as it appeared, seeming embarrassed by its appearance. "I can't…..every time I close my eyes…..it's there to remind me I failed." He said miserably. Another tear appeared and the Doctor clawed at his face to make it go away. "I wasn't going to let it happen again…I was going to save my family this time"

Rose heart broke; she knew, at least vaguely that the Doctor had had a family a long time ago. They had died and he felt responsible; he had tried to do everything that he could to keep that from happening this time. And while Pete had died as the result of an accident that no one could have prevented, the Doctor blamed himself for it.

Rose never wanted to see the Doctor as vulnerable as he was now, his face looking so much younger than it normally did in the glow of the lightening, with occasional tears running down it, but Rose hoped if he was this openly vulnerable, it might mean that they could finally get somewhere. Rose took the Doctor's hand and led him over to the bed. He reluctantly lay down and Rose lay behind him. She put her arm around him and pulled him close to her chest, glad when he didn't pull back. "Doctor…..why didn't you tell me? About the nightmares?" she asked.

"You know….." The Doctor said, his voice more raw now that his face was hidden from Rose. "I didn't want you to know what I did. Every time I sleep I see…..that Dalek and what I did. How could I tell you that and expect sympathy?"

Rose had been so lost and confused these past few months; the Doctor's distance from her had hurt her terribly. She couldn't understand after all that they had been through how he could possibly distance himself from her. But now she did; the in depth look into the Doctor's mind had explained it all. He had been so afraid of getting close to her because she would see him for who he was that he pulled away from her. In his mind, having a cold relationship was better than getting close and then losing it all. "Is that why you've been pulling away from me?" Rose asked, a slight tremble in her voice.

The Doctor didn't answer her question; the silence in the room was almost too loud. Rose felt her throat close when she thought about how painful the Doctor's distance had been lately. If she didn't tell him now she might not ever have the courage to tell him. She knew completely what he was feeling but he didn't know what she had been feeling; not if she didn't tell him.

"Doctor…..I have needed you more these past three months than I have ever needed you" Rose said, her voice shaking from nerves and sadness. "But you haven't been there. You've been there, technically, but you have done nothing but run from me. You told me you loved me and then you left me. You won't talk to me, you won't…..touch me. I feel like I didn't just lose our baby but I lost you too"

There was a long pause and Rose thought the Doctor was going to remain silent again. She wasn't sure what she would have said if she had poured out her heart and he had said nothing. "You haven't lost me" the Doctor said quietly. "I'm just…..afraid of hurting you"

"What hurts me is you keeping your distance" Rose admitted. She couldn't expect the Doctor to be honest with her if she wasn't honest with him. "Talk to me…..tell me what you are feeling. Don't pull away when I try to touch you…..to love you."

"But if I get close to you…" The Doctor started but he didn't finish. He seemed scared; a scared Doctor was not something that she was used to seeing.

"What, Doctor?" Rose asked. "What bad thing could possibly happen if we got closer?" She ached deep down inside when she thought about how much she longed to be closer to him.

"You would see everything…everything that I was and am" The Doctor said. "I couldn't let myself touch you…..hold you too much. If I let my barriers down I would show you more than I wanted to"

"What do you mean, Doctor?" Rose asked gently. He had already shown her something terrifying about himself, something he was sure would drive her away. What more could possibly be holding him back? Rose longed for that warm, closeness in her mind that she didn't understand but that she wanted more than anything from him.

"Time lords aren't…intimate…..the same way humans are" The Doctor said, his voice shy and embarrassed. "Physical intimacy is only a very small fraction of it. The biggest part for us is the mental aspect of it. Time lords could…..open their minds to each other and see everything the other one was feeling and thinking"

"Is that like what happened…..between us on accident?" Rose asked "The day you…..went off alone"

The Doctor turned in the bed so that he was facing Rose. Guilt flashed on his face as he replayed the memory in his mind. "That was a very small taste of what it could be like" he said. "After we started to be physical with each other I became…frightened….because I wanted that mental connection with you. It wasn't fair to ask that of you and I wanted it so much that I was afraid I wouldn't ask it of you. I was afraid I'd just take it. A mental connection of that sort is very intense; it could hurt you. Humans are not normally able to even experience that connection; what you did by connecting to me without even trying is unheard of between time lords and humans"

Rose felt her heart beat speed up at the Doctor's words; she was sure that the Doctor was intending to alarm her by telling her of his intense feelings but it had the opposite affect. He wanted to be close to her just as much as she wanted to be close to him. She resisted the urge to close the small space between them and kiss him; she wanted to handle this moment as delicately as possible so she didn't frighten him away. "That's a good thing, right?" Rose asked, hoping that he saw it as something good. "If it's easy to make that connection we can by that close, right? Because I want that Doctor"

A slight flush came to the Doctor's cheeks and Rose saw that flash in his eyes right before he normally ran. She feared he would do that now; run from her when they were so close to getting to the place that they needed to be. Rose desperately wanted him to believe that even with his broken, damaged parts she loved him and wanted nothing more than for him to feel that. She was glad when he didn't run but opened his mouth to respond. "Rose….I don't think you understand what you're asking for" the Doctor said, urgency in his tone.

"I understand that I love you, Doctor" Rose said, feeling her eyes tear up slightly. "That no matter how much you think what you showed me should make me not love you, I do. I've loved you for a long time Doctor and I just want you to let me show you. If that's as close as we can get, I want to do it"

"But you'll see everything" The Doctor said, as if it was all the reason in the world not to do it. But to Rose it felt like all the reason to do it. The Doctor had always been a man of many mysteries; much of his past and who he was was hidden from her. She wanted to know who he was, who he really was. But she could see in his face, in his ancient eyes that he had built barriers around himself from the world for a long time and they made him feel safe. To be exposed was something he felt was very uncomfortable about.

"I know….that's why I want to do it" Rose said, giving him an encouraging smile. "I don't want you to hold back anymore. I want you to let go; be a mystery to the rest of the universe but don't be a mystery to me. And if I see everything about you, you'll also see everything about me, right?" Rose did feel fear at the prospect of the Doctor seeing who she really was too; she had a lot of secrets, a lot her own darkness. But this was the Doctor; if she could be honest with anyone it would be him.

"Yeah…..but…" the Doctor stumbled, trying to think of a reason not to do it. He didn't seem to be coming up with a convincing argument.

"I'm not asking a lot Doctor…..let's just take things slow?" Rose asked. She could sense that the Doctor was just at the edge of letting himself fall and she wanted him to. She leaned down and pressed the feather of a kiss to his lips. "Please?" she whispered, her lips brushing his as she spoke. Rose felt like her heart was in her stomach, wishing with all that she had that the Doctor would give in. Even baby steps would mean they were going in the right direction.

"Rose…" The Doctor said, his arms around her. His tone spoke volumes more than his words. _Rose, I can't fight it…..I want to fight it but you're making it so I cant. Stop. _She could feel his breath on her lips and made her shiver. She was so lonely and she wanted him so much. She had no intentions of pulling back when he was begging to be able to run still.

"Doctor…..please. I miss you…..please just let me do this" Rose almost begged him. She let her fingers trace along his temples for a mere fraction of a second, not long enough to make a connection but enough that he shivered.

Rose stood up, taking the Doctor's hand. When she pulled him toward her she was glad that he followed her.


	10. Sharing

Rose walked slowly to the bathroom, every step calculated. Things were so fragile and she feared that things would break any moment. Rose wanted him to relax; he'd been under almost constant tension since they'd begun traveling. A lot of that was from fear of her; though he absolutely no reason to fear her, she understood why he did. She knew this distrust would take a long time to remove completely. But just the fact that he was following her and hadn't run away meant a lot.

Rose let go of the Doctor's hand briefly to go to the massive tub, turning the warm water on and lighting the candles around the side of the tub. Rose was shivering as her wet dress clung to her and she was eager to get warm. She hoped that this might help the Doctor warm up too.

When Rose turned around, she saw the Doctor standing only a few feet away. His expression had changed from where he looked so fearful in the bedroom; now something deep and smoldering was in his eyes. He looked like he still wanted to hold back but was finding hard it hard to do. Rose resisted saying something, instead hoping her desire for him to move forward was reflected in her eyes.

A few long seconds passed before the Doctor crossed the space between them. He kept his eyes focused on Rose's and she felt her skin begin to heat up quickly, though she felt it wasn't mostly from the steam filling the room. The Doctor put one arm around Rose, pulling her close to him. Her heart skipped a beat as she pressed against him, glad for the closeness that had so long been denied to her. As the Doctor kept her close to him, his other hand went to the strap on her dress, pushing it down. He leaned down and pressed his lips in a gentle kiss to her burning skin, making surprising goose bumps form there. His hand went to her other shoulder, pushing the strap down there, making her dress sink low on her chest. Shivers continued to flow through her as he left a trail of feather light kisses on her shoulder. It was so tender, so unguarded; only once had ever been like that. It had been a night they had been unable to hold back the feelings they had, a night their love created a child. Since then his touches had always been guarded.

The Doctor's mouth moved from Rose's shoulder to her neck, pulling at her skin softly. His hands moved to her side, taking the fabric of her dress in his hands and tugging downward. Rose gasped a little as her dress fell off, leaving her exposed. The Doctor, hearing the noise, pulled back a little to assess how she was feeling. Rose didn't hesitate in reaching her hands at the hem of the Doctor's shirt and pulling it over his head. She could feel his breath hitch in his throat as her hands went to his belt but he didn't stop her.

Rose let her eyes travel over the Doctor's form in the candle light and couldn't help but notice his did as well. They had seen each other unclothed on a few occasions, but to Rose it felt like the first time because it felt so significant. She managed to tear her eyes away from the Doctor long enough to check the tub. The water having almost reached the top, Rose turned it off and walked down the steps in the water, followed by the Doctor. The Doctor sat near the side of the tub and Rose felt herself gravitate toward him in the water. As he saw her move toward him in the water, the Doctor reached his hands out toward her. Rose grabbed the Doctor's hands and moved toward him quickly, finding herself on his lap. The moment she was close enough, the Doctor leaned down and kissed her. Mouth open and probing from the start, all pretenses of being gentle were gone. Rose connected with his mouth instantly, glad for this touch that she had so longed for and the Doctor had withheld. Now that he was being more than open, she was more than glad to reciprocate. Rose's hands moved along the Doctor's chest as she kissed him so quickly and fiercely that her head was spinning. Desire was making her shaky and she could feel the Doctor tremble underneath her. It was amazing that this was the same man who had such terribly good self-control; he was showing none of that at the moment.

Rose could have gone much longer but eventually she broke free of the Doctor's lips for need of air. When she pulled back reluctantly, she left her forehead pressed to the Doctor's. They were both panting and Rose was heating up quickly from the steam in the water and the Doctor's breath. He seemed even more reluctant to pull back and he could have gone longer, with his 'superior time lord physiology' as he called it. Rose left her hands on the Doctor's chest and she felt his hand reach up to her cheek, her body shaking noticeably from the rush that she was getting.

"You're trembling" the Doctor said tenderly, a touch of fear in his voice. "You want me to stop?"

Rose let out a small laugh. "I'm trembling because I don't want to stop" she said, feeling her already red cheeks get redder.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" The Doctor asked breathless. Rose didn't understand how he could possibly be asking such a question at a time like this.

"Doctor…you've got to relax" Rose chided him, leaning into him and kissing him again. Rose put her hands on the back of his head and rubbed gently through his hair, deepening the kiss and smiling against him as she felt him melt under her. As they melded together close, Rose felt the Doctor's hands go to her face, skirting over her temples. Electricity ran through her, making her shudder; his touch lingered longer than he had ever allowed it and she gasped as a wave of energy filled her mind.

The Doctor broke free of the kiss, his forehead resting on Rose's. "Are you ready?" he asked. His voice was deep and husky and was almost Rose's undoing.

She felt nerves flutter in her belly; the prospect of the Doctor seeing everything in her mind, everything she felt and thought did make her a bit nervous. But the nerves of that could never prevent her from saying yes to his open advance. A smile curled on her lips. "Yes…..yes, I'm ready"

….

The Doctor was terrified; he had faced Daleks and Cybermen and all manner of aliens with a cool head. But this, this was something that scared him terribly. His built in self-preservation mechanisms urged him to run; there was still time. But deep down he knew that there wasn't time.

Rose had seen it all; she had seen what he had done. She had seen the way he killed, tortured that Dalek in the worst way. She saw how that memory tormented his dreams and she showed him love. She should be running in fear now but she wasn't. She wanted _more. _

The Doctor admired the woman who sat next to him in the water, her perfect skin glinting in the candlelight, eyes locked on his with more admiration than she should ever have for him. She was amazing; he had always known that she was, but every day he learned it more. She showed him more love, more forgiveness than he had ever known a person to give. He didn't deserve an ounce of it but she was still giving it to him wholeheartedly. She was doing to most the personal and intimate thing that she could possibly do; she was offering her mind to him. It had been so long since he had bonded with someone on this level. He had lived a great portion of his life aware of so many other time lord consciousnesses around him; it was just part of being a time lord that you sensed others around you almost constantly. But when he had put an end to Gallifrey, that all had ended. Not only had he had had to live with the guilt of what he had done but he'd had to adjust to the _silence. _It was crippling silence and it had taken him a long time to get used to. He'd adjusted but it wasn't the way he was meant to live, cut off from that touch. When Rose had become pregnant, he'd gotten the joy of feeling that again. He'd been able to experience the wonderfully close relationship of sharing your mind with another's. He'd been able to know his son from the womb, to show him love and receive his vast love in return. But like everything in his life it seemed, that too had ended when he had died. He had longed to connect with Rose in the most intimate of ways for a long time now; but hadn't wanted her to see the real him. And even if he could connect with her, it wouldn't be the way he was used to because Rose was human.

Or so he had thought. When Rose had told him that she could sense thoughts and feelings from the TARDIS he'd been surprised; since she had lost the time energy in her, she shouldn't be able to do that. Even more surprising had been when she had begun to link with him; it was in a heated moment but still she shouldn't have been able to do that under any circumstances. Humans did have the capabilities for telepathy in some forms but they did not have the ability to form mental connections on their own. But somehow, Rose did. He didn't understand it; but if there was one thing that he knew about Rose was that she had always been full of surprises.

Barely contained energy was bristling underneath the Doctor's fingers on Rose's temples. He hoped that she couldn't feel that his fingers were shaking. The moment was heavy as Rose waited for the Doctor's next move. "I promise it won't be as intense as last time" he murmured, his head and hands remaining on her head. "I'll be controlling it this time…..but let me know if I hurt you, okay?"

Rose nodded silently, a smile on her lips. He could sense that she was nervous but it was a good sort of nerves, the kind you experienced when you were excited about something new. He let his hands skirt gently over her skin, enjoying how she shuddered underneath him. "I want to be able to see as much of you as I can, Rose. But if there is something you don't want me to see, just imagine hiding it away and I won't be able to see it, alright?"

"Okay, Doctor. I trust you" Rose said. Her voice was small and conveyed to him, in vivid detail how much she really did trust him.

The Doctor smiled nervously as he closed his eyes and focused. He could feel the warm, bright touch of Rose's mind within his reach and it took his breath away. So many times he had imaged doing just this and it had been so hard to hold back. Now, the vibrant, earnest mind in front of him was open for him to touch. His hands were visibly shaking now but he didn't care; Rose should know how excited he was to connect with her like this.

The Doctor opened his mind and felt Rose's open with almost no prodding at all. He was soon enveloped in the miraculous, amazing feeling being completely surrounded by Rose's mind. He had dreamed of this moment many times but none of them had lived up to what it was like.

Love, so much love he could hardly bear how real it was, pressed at him from all angles. It warmed and tingled him as he felt Rose's mind filled with love, all directed at him. Not only did she love him now, he could feel when her love for him began. He could see through her memories that day on Satellite 5, how betrayed and upset she had felt when he had sent her away. He felt how much she loved him in that moment; it was the first time she had realized it. She had realized in that moment how much she loved him and it had made her scared and sad. She was determined to get back to him; she was sure that it would cause her own death but that hadn't mattered to her. She didn't want to live if that meant that she was separated from the Doctor. Life without him had not been worth it to her. The Doctor felt sadness burst through him at this realization; he had only wanted to protect her make her happy and he hadn't even done that correctly. But as soon as he felt sad, he felt Rose reach out to him calmly. _Don't feel bad…..I have no regrets. I did it because I love you…..and I would do it again. _

The Doctor felt his own love for Rose swell inside him and burst through her mind. It was hard for the Doctor to accept such love but while his mind was surrounded by hers in the most of intimate of ways, it was impossible for even him to deny. He saw himself through Rose's eyes; through her eyes he was strong. She saw him as a rock, stable and secure; he was her protector. She had unfathomable belief in him; or at least she had. Something had shaken her belief in him. He could feel how deeply hurt she was by his behavior; for a moment he felt the door to Rose's mind close.

_Oh Rose…_The Doctor felt sadness at the prospect of how deeply he hurt her. There was a moment's pause before Rose opened that part of her mind to him, revealing how much she was hurt. He could see the nights she lied awake in bed, wishing he was there and not so distant. He felt how many times she had wanted to discuss their child's death only to be afraid to bring it up with him. He felt the sadness and insecurity she felt when she tried to initiate intimacy with him only to be turned down. He saw the night, so short a time ago, when he had ran out of the hotel room when Rose had accidently touched his mind. He could see how she had drank to ease her sorrow and cried herself to sleep and how she had wondered if things were even going to work out between them.

The Doctor detached his mind from Rose's gasping slightly as he did so. His eyes met Rose's, tears running quietly down her face. Despite the tears, she gave him a small smile. The Doctor breathed in deeply; she was so beautiful it took his breath away.

"Oh Rose…Rose, why didn't you tell me?" The Doctor asked. Rose had been desperately sad, so lonely she wondered if travailing with him was even worth it. "Why didn't you talk to me?"

Rose gave a sad laugh. "I tried to…..loads of times" she said. "You weren't exactly listening" Her eyes drifted down until the Doctor began to run his thumbs along her cheeks softly.

"I'm thick headed….you should know that by now" The Doctor said, forcing a laugh despite the severity of the situation. "I'm an old, stupid alien….you've got to yell sometimes"

Rose laughed, this time not as sad. Her chocolate eyes met his, placing a long, gentle kiss on his lips before pulling back. "I just…I just didn't want to lose you" she said quietly.

The Doctor felt a pang of regret; he wished that he could believe that she didn't really mean that but having just been inside her head, he knew that she did. She really did believe that she was losing him. She knew he was distancing himself from her but didn't know why; all she knew was that he couldn't talk to her and things between them were never going to work that way.

The Doctor leaned forward so that he could rap his arms completely around Rose. She sighed as he held her close and he relished the wonderful sensation of her soft, perfect skin against his own in the warm water. The thunder and rain of the storm outside created a gentle soundtrack to the relaxing atmosphere, "I am so sorry you felt that way, Rose" The Doctor said. "It was never my intention. I…was foolish…..very foolish. I pulled away because I was afraid of losing you. After what I did…..after letting you down…" The Doctor felt a catch in his throat at the emotion. "after letting our son down…I know you say that it isn't my fault. But it's so hard not to blame myself"

Rose put her hand on the Doctor's face, cupping his cheek, water running off her fingers and down his face. "You were in my head" she said, her voice dripping with awe from the experience. He didn't miss the fact that her body was still shaking from it. "You felt how much I love you…nothing's ever gonna make me leave. As long as we are in it together; you gotta be here with me, Doctor"

The Doctor smiled, tilting his face into Rose's hand and relishing even this small touch of her skin on his. "Rose Tyler…..you are the most amazing woman in all of time and space" he said, his own voice filled with awe. "I did nothing to deserve you at all"

"Yes you did" Rose said, her voice filled with emotion "You saved me. Saved me from myself"

The Doctor laughed. "Don't be dramatic…you were doing fine without me" he said in jest.

When Rose spoke though, her voice was not jesting. "No…..no I really wasn't" she said seriously. The Doctor didn't expect what she did next; Rose put her hands to the Doctor's temples and his mind was filled with images.

How Rose was even able to do this amazed him. But he didn't have long at all to question how she did before he was overwhelmed by the images of a Rose he didn't know. He saw the life of a girl who had felt unwanted and in the way; he saw sad memories of a life of let downs and regrets. He saw a girl who felt everything she had done was wrong, a girl who had not even been missed until she had run away with a man in a blue box. She held nothing back; she was completely honest with him in more ways that he had ever expected her to be. He could not believe that the girl he saw in Rose's mind, the one who had so often thought of taking her own life, was the same one who he had always seemed so full of life, the one that had convinced him to keep living.

When Rose pulled back from his mind, the Doctor was momentarily speechless. He felt tears on his cheeks and was surprised by their presence. It took him several seconds to find his voice and Rose waited patiently.

"Rose…oh, Rose" the Doctor said, his voice thick. "You didn't have to…you didn't have to show me all of that. I don't even know how you did…"

Rose gave a small smile. "I don't know how I did either, honestly" she said. "but I _did _have to show you. I wanted you to know"

The Doctor put his lips to Rose's forehead, pressing a kiss there before putting his forehead against hers. "Thank you…..thank you being so honest with me." He said earnestly.

"Honesty is what we need" Rose said. "That's the one thing we need the most right now"

The Doctor knew that he had to give Rose the same openness she had given him. He felt his stomach turn nervously, but now having the knowledge of how much she truly did love him, he was able to let go and give himself to Rose completely. "You're right…..and that means me too" he said seriously "Its…..it's your turn, Rose"

….

Rose was shaking all over; she felt so many things that she found it hard to place each emotion. Her whole body was shaking, her skin tingling from the shock of what had just happened. She had been so eager to know what it would feel like to have the Doctor inside her mind fully, to feel his in return. And it had been even better than she had imagined. It had been scary, to feel him moving around her memories and feelings but she had focused on her love for him. She wanted him to know, once and for all, that she loved him, fully and completely. She knew now that he finally understood how devoted she was to him and did, in some measure at least, believe that he deserved her love.

Rose's skin was prickling with energy and she felt every inch of her body crying out to meld with the Doctor's and every part of her mind crying out for his. It was intense; like love, lust, anxiousness, fear, and hope all rolled into one emotion that was bursting from her. She held onto the Doctor, pulling herself more fully onto his lap, wrapping her arms around his neck. "How…..how do I do it?" she asked. Their minds had melded together so easily, much more easily than she would have expected but she wasn't sure moving through his mind would be as easy.

Rose could feel the Doctor shaking underneath her and she wondered if he was feeling anything close to what she was feeling. The idea of it sent a thrill through her. "Put your hands here" he said, moving her hands to his temples, their shared skin crackling with energy and heat. "Open your mind…try to focus on that energy you see. That warm, bright energy you saw before, that's my mind. I will open it so you can see" he gave a small laugh. "I would say it would be difficult, that you might not see much. But Rose, you've far exceeded my expectations. You have extraordinary capabilities for a human"

Rose laughed nervously. "I'll take that as a compliment" she said. She felt her heart racing as she closed her eyes and focused. She could almost instantly feel that warm energy of his mind at the corner of hers and she focused all of her energy on it.

Rose was not prepared for the love that she felt coming from the Doctor; she knew, had known for a long time that he loved her. But she didn't expect it to take her breath away.

_You alright? _He questioned, ready to pull away.

_I'm fine…..I just didn't expect it…_Rose felt her words drift from her mind to his.

_You should…see? _The Doctor questioned. Rose was immediately bombarded with the Doctor's memories. She saw him, on that night so long ago when he had stood in the doorway of his TARDIS and asked her to come with him. She felt his hope when he asked and the defeat he felt when she said no. She could feel how sad he was, debating on whether or not to go back to her. She felt how happy he was she agreed to come. Hundreds of little memories, things about Rose she wouldn't have even noticed, assaulted her; these were little things about Rose that made the Doctor love her. His love had gone back for much longer than he had let on; Rose had never expected he had loved her well before she had loved him back. She could see, through his eyes, the night they had made love and how much it had meant to him; though he had pulled back initially after having done it, it was because he'd been afraid. It certainly wasn't because he hadn't cared. She saw all the little memories they'd shared with their child and how through each one he had come to love her more. She felt the crushing despair that he had felt when he'd had to leave Rose to take care of the Dalek who sought her life; his deepest fear was that he would lose her and their son. She saw how upset he'd been when he'd ran to her in the hospital, fearing she was dead. She could feel every ounce of guilt and sadness he'd experienced since that horrible day. She saw how he stayed up days on end to avoid the nightmares and how he pulled back to save her the pain he was experiencing. She felt that his greatest fear was losing her, and how he was certain she would run once she knew the real truth.

_Stay with me Rose…I need you so, so much, _Rose could feel break free of the Doctor's mind. She knew he would never speak such words.

_I will…I'm not ever going to leave you. I mean that…..I need you just as much as you need me. Just let me love you. _Rose sent back.

_I can do that…I'm ready to trust you. _The Doctor spoke to her. She could feel , in vivid detail, how hard it was for him to trust anyone. But he was ready to trust her.

Rose gently pulled back from the Doctor's mind, her body shaking even more than before. She gasped for air as her heart raced. She clung to the Doctor, pressing her body as close to his as possible. The Doctor sought to do the same, his arms wrapping around her. Rose paused for a moment, her whole body brimming with energy before she kissed him. Her mouth was instantly open, glad to find his was as well. Rose's mouth sought every part of the Doctor's feeling an urgent, pressing need to explore every part of him. Energy rippled through them, that warm feeling of electricity running through both of them as their hands moved along each other's skin, their mouths constantly exploring. The Doctor's mouth moved along Rose's neck in the most glorious of ways, making her body shudder underneath his touch. Her head felt foggy as she gasped out his name.

Silence fell heavily in the room, the Doctor's movements stilled at once. Rose only then realized what she had said; the word that had been on her lips, the common name of the Doctor, had not been the one that she had said. His name, his real name, the one so few actually knew had broken from her lips without even realizing it. It had been in her head from the time spent in his head but she hadn't been sure that she could form the complicated word on her lips.

"What…..what did you say?" The Doctor gasped. His eyes were wide and filled with an emotion that Rose couldn't place.

Rose, still out of breath, gasped the name again. She could see on his face how long, how very long it had been since someone had said his name. While to her a name meant very little, the Doctor's real name was sacred. Most likely he had not heard anyone utter his name since his own people had perished. Rose was in awe herself that he had even shared it with her.

The Doctor didn't say anything as he stood from the tub, keeping his eyes on Rose's. His arm outstretched toward her and Rose instantly took it. Like she had what seemed like so long ago, Rose took that hand and followed her Doctor to wherever he took her.


End file.
